(March 2010)
The day after the accident, I headed back to the hospital after a fitful night sleep. It was early and I was anxious to see Michael. As I entered the ICU Mike's nurse Cindy was doing her nursely duties, she saw me and announced my arrival to Mike who was just laying there in a coma. She was standing by him and asked if he wanted to see me as she pulled his eyelids open so he could see me. As I looked in his eyes all I could see was Mike smiling at me with his big Michael grin. It took me back to see him smiling so happy to see me, I took a second look and realized that he wasn't smiling he was just laying there with his eyes propped open. It was kind of a funny sight, Mike's nurse holding his eye lids open while I say good morning. I realized that as I looked into his eyes I could see more than just his physical form. A couple of weeks after the accident Mike started opening his eye, it started as just a slit and every day got wider and wider. I loved looking into his eye because I could see Mike and his mood.
I have heard the saying "The eyes are the window to the soul" many time in my life but I always thought it was a trick people used to guilt you into telling them the truth as they looked into your eyes. Now I know differently. From the very first day when I saw Mike smiling at me through his eyes, to the days when I would peek into his slightly open eyes and saw "him", to today when most of our conversations involve us just looking each other in the eyes. It is amazing what I can see in Mike's eyes, he has a beautiful soul (or should I say handsome?). I'm sure people have wondered many times what was going on as they have walked by Mike's room and heard me laugh as I look at him. Just know I'm not laughing at him I'm laughing with him.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Hand Squeeze of Death
(March 2010)
Michael spent 2 weeks in the ICU he was connected so many monitors and machines to help him live it was hard to even get close to him. The monitors tracked every vital sign known to man, I didn't know there were so many things to track on a human body. I would sit on a hard folding chair next to his bed and put my hand on his arm it all I could really do. It didn't take long to know what each machine did and what all the numbers and beeps meant. If Mikes vitals got to out of whack alarms would sound until they went back to acceptable numbers. Today it's weird to think about how fragile Michael was at that time.
One day we had yet another disappointing talk with the Dr. he told us about the injury to Mike's brain stem and what that meant. I still don't understand completely but I'm not a neurologist. The main thing I understood is that injuries would cause Mike to only have the use of the brain stem which lets you breath and your heart to beat and your body to do all the automatic things your body does but that is all. I guess the non-technical term is vegetable. He said there was the slimmest of chances that there could be signals that could get past the injured part of the brain stem and he would have use of his actual brain (I know a real Dr. is rolling over in his grave with my explanation but I graduated from the U of U so what do you expect).
I couldn't believe that Michael was trapped in a non-existing state, I could feel him so strongly it didn't seem possible that he was just a heart beat. I needed him to do more than have a heart beat and kind of breath so I stood by his side and took his hand. I told him he needed to squeeze my hand that he had to try with all his might. I squeezed his hand then asked him to squeeze mine. I did this a couple of times and on the third attempt after I squeezed his hand he squeezed my hand back. The effort was so great that suddenly all the machines were going crazy with alarms. First I was scared that my request killed him I took a step back from him as the nurse rushed in to see what the matter was. Things settled down and Mike went back to just trying to breath. This event stunned and amazed me so much I didn't tell anyone what had happened.
This encounter told me two things, first Mike was in there and could hear me and respond hence not just a brain stem (vegetable), second it took Mike all his strength and energy just to squeeze my hand (it almost killed him) so this was going to be a hard road. At the time I knew the Doctors wouldn't believe me if I told them what had happened, (I am the desperate Fiance remember) and if they did believe me they out chalk it up to some automatic response or say it was nothing. I knew this was a significant event and I didn't need a Dr. to tell me that it was or wasn't so I kept it to myself. As time has gone on I was right Mikes hand squeeze of death was significant and one of the first signs of him coming back.
Michael spent 2 weeks in the ICU he was connected so many monitors and machines to help him live it was hard to even get close to him. The monitors tracked every vital sign known to man, I didn't know there were so many things to track on a human body. I would sit on a hard folding chair next to his bed and put my hand on his arm it all I could really do. It didn't take long to know what each machine did and what all the numbers and beeps meant. If Mikes vitals got to out of whack alarms would sound until they went back to acceptable numbers. Today it's weird to think about how fragile Michael was at that time.
One day we had yet another disappointing talk with the Dr. he told us about the injury to Mike's brain stem and what that meant. I still don't understand completely but I'm not a neurologist. The main thing I understood is that injuries would cause Mike to only have the use of the brain stem which lets you breath and your heart to beat and your body to do all the automatic things your body does but that is all. I guess the non-technical term is vegetable. He said there was the slimmest of chances that there could be signals that could get past the injured part of the brain stem and he would have use of his actual brain (I know a real Dr. is rolling over in his grave with my explanation but I graduated from the U of U so what do you expect).
I couldn't believe that Michael was trapped in a non-existing state, I could feel him so strongly it didn't seem possible that he was just a heart beat. I needed him to do more than have a heart beat and kind of breath so I stood by his side and took his hand. I told him he needed to squeeze my hand that he had to try with all his might. I squeezed his hand then asked him to squeeze mine. I did this a couple of times and on the third attempt after I squeezed his hand he squeezed my hand back. The effort was so great that suddenly all the machines were going crazy with alarms. First I was scared that my request killed him I took a step back from him as the nurse rushed in to see what the matter was. Things settled down and Mike went back to just trying to breath. This event stunned and amazed me so much I didn't tell anyone what had happened.
This encounter told me two things, first Mike was in there and could hear me and respond hence not just a brain stem (vegetable), second it took Mike all his strength and energy just to squeeze my hand (it almost killed him) so this was going to be a hard road. At the time I knew the Doctors wouldn't believe me if I told them what had happened, (I am the desperate Fiance remember) and if they did believe me they out chalk it up to some automatic response or say it was nothing. I knew this was a significant event and I didn't need a Dr. to tell me that it was or wasn't so I kept it to myself. As time has gone on I was right Mikes hand squeeze of death was significant and one of the first signs of him coming back.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Halloween Part III
(October 2012)
Although Mike and I were dating during the Halloween season before his accident, I was out of the country at the time. (I left Mike to fend for himself while my friend and I went on an epic trip to Costa Rica). So I never really learned what kind of a Halloween person Mike is, unfortunately for him I'm in charge now (insert evil laugh here bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha). Our first Halloween I wasn't about to ignore it. We have so little variety in our lives so I decided we needed to dress up. Mikes mom was in town so I forced her to join us. I was Little Red Ridding Hood, Mike was a tough Biker, and Lauri was a Cowgirl (she kept her costume on long enough to take this picture). Mike loved putting on his chaps and feeling more normal. We had the CNAs and nurses come trick-or-treating and they loved Mikes costume.
The next year (2011) I felt like we needed to have a little more fun than we did the year before so we had a dance party. My sister Katie helped me and we invite some friends over to partay. I felt like we needed a "couples costume" so I found what I thought was a perfect costume.....Nerds. When Mike saw what I was about to make him wear he gave me this "don't you dare look". I made me laugh but it didn't stop me. He got over it until his friend showed up in a manly Indian Jones costume. I could tell he was jealous that his friend didn't have pushy fiance, but we did we had a great time.
Although Mike and I were dating during the Halloween season before his accident, I was out of the country at the time. (I left Mike to fend for himself while my friend and I went on an epic trip to Costa Rica). So I never really learned what kind of a Halloween person Mike is, unfortunately for him I'm in charge now (insert evil laugh here bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha). Our first Halloween I wasn't about to ignore it. We have so little variety in our lives so I decided we needed to dress up. Mikes mom was in town so I forced her to join us. I was Little Red Ridding Hood, Mike was a tough Biker, and Lauri was a Cowgirl (she kept her costume on long enough to take this picture). Mike loved putting on his chaps and feeling more normal. We had the CNAs and nurses come trick-or-treating and they loved Mikes costume.
The next year (2011) I felt like we needed to have a little more fun than we did the year before so we had a dance party. My sister Katie helped me and we invite some friends over to partay. I felt like we needed a "couples costume" so I found what I thought was a perfect costume.....Nerds. When Mike saw what I was about to make him wear he gave me this "don't you dare look". I made me laugh but it didn't stop me. He got over it until his friend showed up in a manly Indian Jones costume. I could tell he was jealous that his friend didn't have pushy fiance, but we did we had a great time.
This year I felt I owed it to Mike to have a more equal say in our Halloween costume. I thought about it all year and finally it was Halloween and we still didn't have costumes. I almost threw in the towel but I couldn't let Mike down. I work well under pressure, so I figured out what to do and ran to DI to get the needed costume supplies. My good friend Carey and her husband Robert came by for a scary movie and brought there cute 2 month old son Slate. They were all dressed as bandits and Slate was the cutest one (no offence Carey). Luckily we were also dressed in totally awesome costumes so we fit in and Slate was totally impressed and so was Mike. I can now take back by best fiance title.
So with no further ado I bring to you our costumes from a galaxy far far away.......
Monday, October 8, 2012
A Man's Weekend
(October 2012)
This weekend Michael was able to add some much needed points on his "Man Card". It all started Friday evening when I got to the hospital a little earlier than usual. It was such a nice evening so Mike talked me into taking him outside. It wasn't hard, he just gave me a thumbs us when I asked if he wanted to go. I grabbed his football, went outside, and then had an epic game of catch. Mike has been able to catch his football for quite some time but Friday he definitely took it up a notch. He caught almost everything I tossed to him and from a much farther distance and then he would toss the ball back to me. I was shocked at what he was able to do. Now before you get images of Mike grabbing the football and throwing it back it's not quite like that. He can't use his hand to grab the football, so he moves it to the crook of his arm and pops it over to me. I would laugh and Mike would smile it was really fun.
After the game of catch, we went back in to get ready to watch the BYU game. Luckily for Mike his friend Sean comes and watches the games with him, Mike needs all the male bonding he can get. As we were waiting, I turned the TV to a super girly show which Mike did not like. He finally got sick of it and grabbed the remote and moved it up to his eyes to try to figure out which buttons to push to make the girliness stop. He couldn't quite figure it out so I told him I would change the channel for him if he would give me the remote. He handed it over RIGHT AWAY, I don't usually make him watch my shows so I thought he was totally over reacting. I did have mercy on him and turned it to a more natural show. Soon his friend came and the game started so I left him to enjoy some man time.
Saturday the manliness continues with another game of catch between sessions of LDS General Conference. Mike did even move amazing than the day before I was so proud of him. Later that evening my nephews came by so we decided to have a mini football game with Mike.
The rules of the game:
1. The football is tossed to Mike
2. Mike hikes the ball it to his teammate
3. The teammate runs and touches the fence before being tagged by the rest of us.
It was really fun and after playing for a while I finally thought to record what was going on. I don't know if Mike suddenly got tired or was camera shy but he totally clammed up (this isn't the firs time).
The best, most manly part of the weekend was that Michael attended the priesthood session of conference. He has not been able to attend for the past two years. I got Mike dressed really nice and then his friend Sean came to get him. He walked him to a chapel that was just a couple of blocks away. Mike stayed awake and alert for the whole session and really enjoyed it (reported to me by his friend). I love that Mike could do this. The weekend ended with another manly activity, Mike basically napped all of Sunday.
This is the video of Mike playing football with the nephews. He was already dressed for the priesthood session that is why he is so fancy. He did way better than this but this will give you and idea of what he does and how nice he looked for priesthood.
This weekend Michael was able to add some much needed points on his "Man Card". It all started Friday evening when I got to the hospital a little earlier than usual. It was such a nice evening so Mike talked me into taking him outside. It wasn't hard, he just gave me a thumbs us when I asked if he wanted to go. I grabbed his football, went outside, and then had an epic game of catch. Mike has been able to catch his football for quite some time but Friday he definitely took it up a notch. He caught almost everything I tossed to him and from a much farther distance and then he would toss the ball back to me. I was shocked at what he was able to do. Now before you get images of Mike grabbing the football and throwing it back it's not quite like that. He can't use his hand to grab the football, so he moves it to the crook of his arm and pops it over to me. I would laugh and Mike would smile it was really fun.
After the game of catch, we went back in to get ready to watch the BYU game. Luckily for Mike his friend Sean comes and watches the games with him, Mike needs all the male bonding he can get. As we were waiting, I turned the TV to a super girly show which Mike did not like. He finally got sick of it and grabbed the remote and moved it up to his eyes to try to figure out which buttons to push to make the girliness stop. He couldn't quite figure it out so I told him I would change the channel for him if he would give me the remote. He handed it over RIGHT AWAY, I don't usually make him watch my shows so I thought he was totally over reacting. I did have mercy on him and turned it to a more natural show. Soon his friend came and the game started so I left him to enjoy some man time.
Saturday the manliness continues with another game of catch between sessions of LDS General Conference. Mike did even move amazing than the day before I was so proud of him. Later that evening my nephews came by so we decided to have a mini football game with Mike.
The rules of the game:
1. The football is tossed to Mike
2. Mike hikes the ball it to his teammate
3. The teammate runs and touches the fence before being tagged by the rest of us.
It was really fun and after playing for a while I finally thought to record what was going on. I don't know if Mike suddenly got tired or was camera shy but he totally clammed up (this isn't the firs time).
The best, most manly part of the weekend was that Michael attended the priesthood session of conference. He has not been able to attend for the past two years. I got Mike dressed really nice and then his friend Sean came to get him. He walked him to a chapel that was just a couple of blocks away. Mike stayed awake and alert for the whole session and really enjoyed it (reported to me by his friend). I love that Mike could do this. The weekend ended with another manly activity, Mike basically napped all of Sunday.
This is the video of Mike playing football with the nephews. He was already dressed for the priesthood session that is why he is so fancy. He did way better than this but this will give you and idea of what he does and how nice he looked for priesthood.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Ice Ice Baby
(Sept 2012)
This is not just the best quote of all times it's the tag line to the critically acclaimed movie Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice. If you haven't seen this movie you are missing out. The movie was made in the height of Vanilla Ice's fame, circa 1991.You may think that Vanilla Ice wasn't popular long enough to make a movie but you would be wrong. I'm sure the fact that the movie couldn't have taken longer to make than two weeks helps with the time table. I love this movie, it's so bad it's good and it has the best one liners ever like "yo yo Kat, drop that zero and get with the hero" or "lookie lookie lookie in Kat's black bookie". Not only is this a great movie but it also helped Mike and I get together. I love Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice and Mike went to a Vanilla Ice concert so it was the first connection we made (thanks Vanilla).
Last week I turned my love of Vanilla Ice into a fun double date. Actually I can't take the credit it was my cousin Pearl's idea. She called me a few weeks ago and suggested we have a Vanilla Ice viewing double date and of course I jumped all over that idea. So last week Pearl and her husband Mat and Mike and I got together to PARTY. I had to bring a VCR to watch the movie because it's only available on VHS (I actually own the movie) but it was worth it.
I like doing double dates, it adds interest to our lives, so if anyone is interested in a fun filled evening at a nursing home let me know. Trust me, you don't know fun until you hang with Mike and me.
"When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it...just add ice"
This is not just the best quote of all times it's the tag line to the critically acclaimed movie Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice. If you haven't seen this movie you are missing out. The movie was made in the height of Vanilla Ice's fame, circa 1991.You may think that Vanilla Ice wasn't popular long enough to make a movie but you would be wrong. I'm sure the fact that the movie couldn't have taken longer to make than two weeks helps with the time table. I love this movie, it's so bad it's good and it has the best one liners ever like "yo yo Kat, drop that zero and get with the hero" or "lookie lookie lookie in Kat's black bookie". Not only is this a great movie but it also helped Mike and I get together. I love Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice and Mike went to a Vanilla Ice concert so it was the first connection we made (thanks Vanilla).
Last week I turned my love of Vanilla Ice into a fun double date. Actually I can't take the credit it was my cousin Pearl's idea. She called me a few weeks ago and suggested we have a Vanilla Ice viewing double date and of course I jumped all over that idea. So last week Pearl and her husband Mat and Mike and I got together to PARTY. I had to bring a VCR to watch the movie because it's only available on VHS (I actually own the movie) but it was worth it.
We made homemade vanilla ice cream (get it? hmmm?)
We ate ice cream, popped (or should I say burned) popcorn.
Then watched the movie, all in all it was a fun evening.
I like doing double dates, it adds interest to our lives, so if anyone is interested in a fun filled evening at a nursing home let me know. Trust me, you don't know fun until you hang with Mike and me.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
My Wedding Day
(May 1, 2010)
The day I was going to get married.......
Expectation:
Reality:
The day I was going to get married.......
Expectation:
I could leave the post like this but there was so much more that happened that day. To start off my wedding day turned from a day I was looking forward to to a day I was dreading. I didn't know how I was going to handle the reality of that day, but soon the day was upon me. There was both good and bad about the day, it was full of contrasts between expectations and reality.
Expectation:
Prior to our wedding Mike and I would go to the courthouse to get a marriage license.
Reality:
The day before my wedding day Lauri and I went to the Court House so that she could become Michael's ward. She had to have a lawyer and so did Mike but for some reason Lauri had to pay for both (go figure). The lawyer presented to the judge that Michael was a completely invalid and that the only thing he could do was open one eye. I was about to object because Michael could open both eyes but I decided to keep my mouth shut. Mikes lawyer didn't object and the next thing you know Lauri took control over Michael's life.
Expectation:
A wedding breakfast with family and friends.
Reality:
A not getting married breakfast with family and friends. My mother and sisters organized special events for me to help me through the day They started by inviting close friends and family over to my place for a fantastic breakfast. It was very good and I enjoyed all the support. My mom cooks a mean breakfast so it was perfect.
Expectation:
Michael and I would go to the Salt Lake Temple and be sealed together for time and eternity
Reality:
I went to the hospital to spend the day with Michael.
Expectation:
There would be a big party to celebrate our wedding with those I love the most.
Reality:
My sisters, mother, sister-in-laws, and some cousins banded together to give my bedroom a much needed makeover. They all chipped in and went shopping together to renovate my room. They had a great time picking things out and somehow with all those opinions didn't have a hard time agreeing. They had time to shop and decorate my room with some help from Lauri. This was such a wonderful gesture I really liked my room but I loved that they all had such a good time together doing this for me.
Expectation:
Mike and I would decide where we would live together.
Reality:
On the day I was going to get married we HAD to find a nursing home for Mike to go to. He wasn't able to stay at the hospital anymore and needed a new place to go. The thought of having to send him to a nursing home was overwhelming and Lauri didn't want me to have to deal with it on my wedding day so she went alone to find a place. This was not a pleasant experience for her to say the least but she did it alone for me (what a great future mother-in-law).
Expectation:
Mike and I would drive off to our honeymoon after the reception.
Reality:
On my way home from the hospital I ran over this crazy nail and got a flat tire in the rain.
Expectation:
We would go to some fancy schmancy hotel to spend the night.
Reality:
When I got home my room was redecorated with all the cute things my family had gotten earlier that day. My room was supper cute and I loved it. It was fun having a new room to spend the night in.
So what was good and bad about this day? Well to be honest besides the whole not getting married part, most of the day pretty good (well as good as it could be). Even things that seemed horrible at the time turned out not to be so horrible. Having my family make my "not getting married day" special actually helped me get though it much better than just ignoring the day. Lauri had the worst of it, but I'm sure she will be rewarded in heaven for what she did.
It seems like there should be some great lesson to be learned from all of this and that I would now share it with you. The only thing I can say is that we are stronger than we think we are, and that love and kindness can go a long way. Someday I will have a different wedding day that will be more joyful than this one but it will be filled with just as much love.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The Song of The Righteous is a Prayer Unto Me
(April 2010)
As a kid I had a hard time appreciating hymns, they didn't have a cool beat like "Wake me up before you go go" or other equally cool 80's songs and they seemed to go on forever. It wasn't until I was a little more mature (ok basically my mission) before I not only appreciated hymns, but I loved them. It's hard for me to imagine not loving hymns, there is something about singing those simple words that can be so profound and can bring such a sweet spirit and understanding.
After "the accident" it was a very difficult time, everyday I faced a barrage of difficult decisions and situations. Every morning on my way back to the hospital I would try to prep myself for the unknown horrors I was about to face. I would sing to my self a line from Come Come ye Saints hymn #30 "Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; and soon we'll have this tale to tell. All is well all is well" It would give me courage and help me "gird up my loins" and face whatever needed to be faced (without the context of scriptures this does sound kind of funny but you get my drift).
We would often have the hymns playing in Mike's room which added to the strong spirit already present there. His room truly felt like a sacred space. Often nurses or CNAs would linger in or near his room and comment on how much they liked the music. The hymns were a life line and helped us through some difficult times. Of all the hymns we listened to and sang during this time the one that stands out the most and helped me more than any other is How Firm a Foundation Hymn #85.
My deep love of this particular hymn started in the hospital but grew immensely when we moved to the worst place in the world, the Specialty Hospital (this awful place will get it's own post). A few days after moving there it was general conference and while we were listening to it with Mike the choir sang How Firm a Foundation. It touched us all especially Mike, he really responded to the song he even raised his arm in the air while they sang. After that experience, I started examining the words to that song and what they truly meant. The first three verses are what is normally sang with the last verse thrown in on special occasions and I love what they all say. But as I read the fourth and fifth verse I don't know why we neglect them, they really resonated with me especially the words "deep waters" and "river of sorrows". This song speaks to me at helps me feel my firm foundation in Christ and my tremendous faith in him. Also that the Lord is mindful of us and will never forsake us and that he knows the hard things we face and will sanctify them for our good.
A side note to this hymn; while still in the Specialty Hospital the young woman from my ward came to visit (I was their camp leader) to sing hymns. I requested How Firm a Foundation which they sang beautifully but to my surprise when they finished the obligatory third verse they did not stop, they sang all seven verses. All the other songs that night they had stopped after the first verse or the after the main verses. It was so sweet to hear them sing those touching verses I stared to cry and there wasn't a dry eye as they finished. Thank you 5th ward young woman, you really touched me and Mike that night.
Below is the Tabernacle Choir singing and also all the words to the hymn for your listening and reading pleasure.
1. How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
What more can he say than to you he hath said,
Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
What more can he say than to you he hath said,
Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?
2. In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,
In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
6. E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.
7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!
Friday, August 31, 2012
Explosions are Flowers For Men
(Dec 2009)
I've decided to have a guest blog post again. This time it is going to be from Michael himself this is something he wrote when we were dating. Michael always said he liked my sass (I think he may feel differently these days) and I think this proves it. This post is an encounter we had while we were dating. I like it because I totally won and he liked it:
Last night, I was having a discussion with my girlfriend, Lisa, about the differences between Men and Women. In case you are unaware, there ARE differences. It was rather insightful, so I decided to post a couple of the highlights here.
First, Men are jerks and Women are crazy. But there is a reason for it. Men are very analytical people. We rely on logic and reason and try our hardest to keep emotions and feelings out of our decisions. So when we don’t take into account a women’s feelings, we end up coming across as jerks. Conversely, women tend to think with their emotions and feelings. And those don’t make any logical sense. So we end up seeing women as crazy.
The real reason that this is becomes a problem is that men judge women as if they were men. The same is true of women. They expect men to make decisions like women. When a women says, “He was such a jerk! He didn’t even think about how I would feel about that!”, the guy isn’t trying to be a jerk. He simply has no idea how to think about that. He can try, and will occasionally have success, but by far and wide, he will not have any clue on how to do that. And when a women goes and buys her 50th pair of shoes, the guy will get upset. That’s because he doesn’t understand why she needs yet another when she already has 49 other perfectly good pairs. Currently, I own 4 pairs of shoes. A dress pair, an everyday pair, a work pair (which is the old everyday pair), and my riding boots. Why would anyone need more than that? Ok. Maybe a couple more pairs, if they have a specific purpose. But no more than about 8. But a woman will buy a $100 pair of shoes to go with an outfit that they wear once a year. How does that make sense? But like I said, the reason for these misunderstandings is because men are judging women by mens standards and also, women are holding men to womens standards.
Second, she finally helped me to understand why women like when men give women flowers. Here’s the conversation to the best of my recollection.
Me: Why do women like flowers? I mean, I understand the WHAT of it all, it’s just the WHY that I don’t get. I mean, I know that if I’m in the doghouse, or if you’re having a bad day, I can get you flowers and things will be better. But WHY is that?
Her: First off, it really depends on what you did to get in the doghouse. Flowers may not be enough.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: Second, it means that you went and did something really outside of your norm that it couldn’t be anything other than completely for me.
Me: So, it’s a test?
Her: Well it’s more than that. That’s only a small part of it. The real reason is that they’re also pretty and they smell good.
Me: You’re proving my point. What purpose does that serve? I mean, last week, when I was having a really bad day, you took me out to my favorite place to eat and bought me dinner.
Her: Yeah. You ate it and it was gone. At least flowers last.
Me: Not that long. And besides, dinner at In-N-Out was taking something that I would have done anyway and did it for me, so I didn’t have to do it. It wasn’t doing something for the sake of doing something. It was taking something that I would have done anyway and doing it for me. And doing it in the best possible way.
Her: But they are pretty and they smell good. We like those types of things.
Me: But WHY? It doesn’t serve a purpose.
Her: Let me try this another way. What if I gave you an explosion? I don’t mean blowing something up that needed blowing up. Just taking you somewhere and igniting a bunch of explosives. Just blowing stuff up for the sake of blowing stuff up.
Me (thinking): I don’t like where this is going.
Her: Would you like that?
Me: …
Her: Would you like to go out to the desert and light off explosives?
Me: …
Her: Why would you like to go out to the desert and blow stuff up?
Me: …
Her: It’s because it looks pretty and smells good.
Game, Set, and Match. I thought I was doing pretty good right up until the end. Then Bam! I was against the ropes. I had nothing.
Finally, the funniest part to me was how we ended this conversation.
Me: Babe, I’m glad that you love me despite the fact that I’m a jerk.
Her: And I’m glad that you love me despite the fact that you think I’m crazy.
I've decided to have a guest blog post again. This time it is going to be from Michael himself this is something he wrote when we were dating. Michael always said he liked my sass (I think he may feel differently these days) and I think this proves it. This post is an encounter we had while we were dating. I like it because I totally won and he liked it:
Last night, I was having a discussion with my girlfriend, Lisa, about the differences between Men and Women. In case you are unaware, there ARE differences. It was rather insightful, so I decided to post a couple of the highlights here.
First, Men are jerks and Women are crazy. But there is a reason for it. Men are very analytical people. We rely on logic and reason and try our hardest to keep emotions and feelings out of our decisions. So when we don’t take into account a women’s feelings, we end up coming across as jerks. Conversely, women tend to think with their emotions and feelings. And those don’t make any logical sense. So we end up seeing women as crazy.
The real reason that this is becomes a problem is that men judge women as if they were men. The same is true of women. They expect men to make decisions like women. When a women says, “He was such a jerk! He didn’t even think about how I would feel about that!”, the guy isn’t trying to be a jerk. He simply has no idea how to think about that. He can try, and will occasionally have success, but by far and wide, he will not have any clue on how to do that. And when a women goes and buys her 50th pair of shoes, the guy will get upset. That’s because he doesn’t understand why she needs yet another when she already has 49 other perfectly good pairs. Currently, I own 4 pairs of shoes. A dress pair, an everyday pair, a work pair (which is the old everyday pair), and my riding boots. Why would anyone need more than that? Ok. Maybe a couple more pairs, if they have a specific purpose. But no more than about 8. But a woman will buy a $100 pair of shoes to go with an outfit that they wear once a year. How does that make sense? But like I said, the reason for these misunderstandings is because men are judging women by mens standards and also, women are holding men to womens standards.
Second, she finally helped me to understand why women like when men give women flowers. Here’s the conversation to the best of my recollection.
Me: Why do women like flowers? I mean, I understand the WHAT of it all, it’s just the WHY that I don’t get. I mean, I know that if I’m in the doghouse, or if you’re having a bad day, I can get you flowers and things will be better. But WHY is that?
Her: First off, it really depends on what you did to get in the doghouse. Flowers may not be enough.
Me: Fair enough.
Her: Second, it means that you went and did something really outside of your norm that it couldn’t be anything other than completely for me.
Me: So, it’s a test?
Her: Well it’s more than that. That’s only a small part of it. The real reason is that they’re also pretty and they smell good.
Me: You’re proving my point. What purpose does that serve? I mean, last week, when I was having a really bad day, you took me out to my favorite place to eat and bought me dinner.
Her: Yeah. You ate it and it was gone. At least flowers last.
Me: Not that long. And besides, dinner at In-N-Out was taking something that I would have done anyway and did it for me, so I didn’t have to do it. It wasn’t doing something for the sake of doing something. It was taking something that I would have done anyway and doing it for me. And doing it in the best possible way.
Her: But they are pretty and they smell good. We like those types of things.
Me: But WHY? It doesn’t serve a purpose.
Her: Let me try this another way. What if I gave you an explosion? I don’t mean blowing something up that needed blowing up. Just taking you somewhere and igniting a bunch of explosives. Just blowing stuff up for the sake of blowing stuff up.
Me (thinking): I don’t like where this is going.
Her: Would you like that?
Me: …
Her: Would you like to go out to the desert and light off explosives?
Me: …
Her: Why would you like to go out to the desert and blow stuff up?
Me: …
Her: It’s because it looks pretty and smells good.
Game, Set, and Match. I thought I was doing pretty good right up until the end. Then Bam! I was against the ropes. I had nothing.
Finally, the funniest part to me was how we ended this conversation.
Me: Babe, I’m glad that you love me despite the fact that I’m a jerk.
Her: And I’m glad that you love me despite the fact that you think I’m crazy.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Shirt Cutters Will Be Prosecuted
(November 2010)
From the moment Michael was in "The Accident" Mike and I have had no control over our lives (well most of our lives). The doctors, and nurses, and hospitals are in control. At first you barely notice but as time goes on the helpless feeling sets in and you begin to get frustrated. Lauri and I have had to fight tooth and nail for every little thing to help Michael and by the fall of the first year we were already worn out. We had just had the most epic battle to get his trach removed (I will give more details in a different post) and Mikes day to day life was in the hands of "the facility". This is where my story of lies, betrayal, and triumph begins......
It all started on very depressing day, well the day itself wasn't really depressing I was just having a sad day. I went to the facility to see Michael in the evening, which always cheered me up, and I noticed he was wearing the shirt I gave him our first Christmas together (very sentimental). This made me happy because I liked the shirt and it was good to see him in it. I bent down to give Michael a hug and to my horror I found that the shirt had a slit all the way up the back. I was devastated the shirt that had so much meaning to me was ruined. For a little background info when Mike had his trach in we did have some shirts that we cut up the back so he could wear shirts and shorts instead of a hospital gown but he didn't have a trach anymore and could wear normal shirts. I felt so helpless that someone could just cut his shirt and there was nothing I could do about it. I gave the CNAs a break because we did have some cut shirts for Mike to wear and I reasoned that they must have thought that's how his shirts were supposed to be. It was too bad the lesson had to be learned on my favorite shirt. I told the CNAs not to cut Mike's shirts and left them a sign on the white board so the could remember. The sign wasn't just clever it was a real depiction of what happened when they cut Mike's shirt.
From the moment Michael was in "The Accident" Mike and I have had no control over our lives (well most of our lives). The doctors, and nurses, and hospitals are in control. At first you barely notice but as time goes on the helpless feeling sets in and you begin to get frustrated. Lauri and I have had to fight tooth and nail for every little thing to help Michael and by the fall of the first year we were already worn out. We had just had the most epic battle to get his trach removed (I will give more details in a different post) and Mikes day to day life was in the hands of "the facility". This is where my story of lies, betrayal, and triumph begins......
It all started on very depressing day, well the day itself wasn't really depressing I was just having a sad day. I went to the facility to see Michael in the evening, which always cheered me up, and I noticed he was wearing the shirt I gave him our first Christmas together (very sentimental). This made me happy because I liked the shirt and it was good to see him in it. I bent down to give Michael a hug and to my horror I found that the shirt had a slit all the way up the back. I was devastated the shirt that had so much meaning to me was ruined. For a little background info when Mike had his trach in we did have some shirts that we cut up the back so he could wear shirts and shorts instead of a hospital gown but he didn't have a trach anymore and could wear normal shirts. I felt so helpless that someone could just cut his shirt and there was nothing I could do about it. I gave the CNAs a break because we did have some cut shirts for Mike to wear and I reasoned that they must have thought that's how his shirts were supposed to be. It was too bad the lesson had to be learned on my favorite shirt. I told the CNAs not to cut Mike's shirts and left them a sign on the white board so the could remember. The sign wasn't just clever it was a real depiction of what happened when they cut Mike's shirt.
The sign seemed to work Mike's shirts stayed intact and I felt like the unfortunate event was and isolated incident. Then a couple of weeks or so later the unthinkable happened when Lauri was visiting we discovered that the shirt Mike was wearing had been cut and not only that but we found another shirt that had also been cut. We asked who was cutting Mike's shirts and of course no one had any idea everyone seemed surprised, it's like a phantom was coming in and cutting Mikes shirts. I can't explain what happened to me but it wasn't pretty. I was like the Grinch who stole Christmas but instead of my heart growing 4 sizes it was my frustration that grew. I just couldn't take it, the feeling of complete helplessness that I had been feeling from the beginning was compounded by the fact the I couldn't even prevent Mike's shirts from being vandalized and I just snapped. That night I tried to sleep it off but I couldn't take it anymore I was taking back some control of my life. The next morning I went to my computer and started making signs. I made several "Do not cut Mike's shirts" signs then I found a "Shoplifters will be prosecuted" sign on the internet and changed it to Shirt cutters. Then I drew a few cartoon signs do drive the point home.
I put the signs up all over Mike's room and I put the "shirt cutters will be prosecuted" over his bed so they couldn't miss it. A little childish? maybe but it worked, Mike's shirts have never been cut again. The signs were taken down a month of so later by the facility. They said the State came in and made them take the signs down but I have a sneaking suspicion they took the signs down before the State got there (I would have). They told us "Everyone knows not to cut Mike's shirts". It's funny that this little rebellion really did make me feel like I was taking back some control in my life. Now at least there is one thing I have control over, I can keep Mike's shirts whole (who knew that could ever be an accomplishment).
Side note: the cute pock-a-dot pillowcase you see in the picture was only used this one time then it came up missing and so did the shirt you see Michael in but that is a different not so triumphant story.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
There is No Easy Way to Say.......
(March 2010)
......Your Son is Going to Die
After the first day the main focus was on getting Mikes brain to stop swelling to prevent further damage. There was a monitor in his head that would tell what the pressure was and a shunt in his head to drain the fluid (brain juice) around his head when the pressure got too high. The pressure would go up and then back down we were watching all monitors like a hawk and knew what every number meant and what they should be. Things would change with Mike for good and bad in the blink of an eye and so did our moods and emotions. It was a taxing visual but there was such a sweet spirit in his room it felt like a sacred place and we often played soft music and hymns for Mike.
The next day we came in and Tom the trauma PA (remember him from the first day? booo) showed us that Mikes brain had stopped swelling and things seemed to be turning around he thought that by the next day they would be able to get a clear cat scan. He told us that the neuro surgeon would be very pleased and that he was "cautiously optimistic"about things. We were all so excited, finally our thoughts and feelings about Michael living and getting better were being manifested. We thought this was the start to really good things and the mood the rest of that day was much lighter and hopeful.
Despite our high hopes I didn't get a good nights sleep and soon I was back at the ICU to see Mike. I had gotten there a bit early and was waiting for the visitor nazis to let me in. As I sat quietly I had this overwhelming feeling that today was not going to be a good day. Lauri and Aunt Debbi came and waited with me and talked about what we should do with Mikes bills and stuff. Then we were finally granted permission to enter. Tom found us and wanted to tell us about the cat scan. We stood around him as he pulled up the cat scan, then he looked at us and said "This is the cat scan of a man who will never ride a motorcycle again." Lauri replied "good I don't want him riding one ever again" then leaned over to look at what a cat scan looks like if you are never going to ride again. Seeing that we weren't getting at what he was trying to say he regrouped and told us "now that the swelling is down we can really see the damage and he has a lot of damage". We all leaned forward as he starts pointing to different areas on the cat scan. "See here..and here..and here..and a lot of damage here..and here..and......". He kept pointing and pointing it was getting annoying then he turns to us and said "so I give him 5%". We all looked at him with a blank stairs not getting what he was talking about finally we had to admit our stupidity. "Five percent of what?" we asked and suddenly Tom looked very uncomfortable and just blurted out "that he will live". We couldn't believe what he was saying (even despite the fact that he told us he could die the first day) first he was talking about being cautiously optimistic and Mike not riding a motorcycle and now he is saying he is going to die, very confusing. Then he told us that given the trauma to Mikes brain that if by chance he doesn't die there is only a 2% chance that he would NOT be a complete vegetable, and if by chance he wasn't complete vegetable there was 7% chance that he could ever live without complete care. What a crappy thing to be told first thing in the morning.
This information was devastating and confusing given the strong feelings we were having about Mike and his recovery. I took the day to digest what we were told and by the end of the day I still knew that Mike wasn't going to die. I had concerns about his head trauma but the Lord made it clear to me that he was aware and Mike was in his care. My premonition had been right, this day was hard, I thought it might have been harder than the first day but I was able to drive myself home so probably not. As I think about Mikes prognosis now, it makes me realize how far he has come, he has beaten two astronomical odds: 1. He is alive. 2. He is not a vegetable. Now he only has one more odd to beat and I think he can do it.
Although this story is very serious and the things Tom told us were devastating and horrible, when ever Lauri and I talk about this it totally cracks us up. The main reason is that it took us months to realize that when Tom said "This is the cat scan of a man who will never ride a motorcycle again" it was his way of breaking it to us easy that Mike was going to die. It not only didn't work but confused us so much that by the time he said 5% we had no clue what he was talking about. Also for some reason all the constant pointing at the damage is now funny to us. Don't get me wrong it wasn't funny at the time but you gain a sick sense of humor when you go through terrible things. This is not the only inappropriate thing Lauri and I laugh hysterically at. For those of you who don't think this is funny all I can say is "I guess you had to be there".
......Your Son is Going to Die
After the first day the main focus was on getting Mikes brain to stop swelling to prevent further damage. There was a monitor in his head that would tell what the pressure was and a shunt in his head to drain the fluid (brain juice) around his head when the pressure got too high. The pressure would go up and then back down we were watching all monitors like a hawk and knew what every number meant and what they should be. Things would change with Mike for good and bad in the blink of an eye and so did our moods and emotions. It was a taxing visual but there was such a sweet spirit in his room it felt like a sacred place and we often played soft music and hymns for Mike.
The next day we came in and Tom the trauma PA (remember him from the first day? booo) showed us that Mikes brain had stopped swelling and things seemed to be turning around he thought that by the next day they would be able to get a clear cat scan. He told us that the neuro surgeon would be very pleased and that he was "cautiously optimistic"about things. We were all so excited, finally our thoughts and feelings about Michael living and getting better were being manifested. We thought this was the start to really good things and the mood the rest of that day was much lighter and hopeful.
Despite our high hopes I didn't get a good nights sleep and soon I was back at the ICU to see Mike. I had gotten there a bit early and was waiting for the visitor nazis to let me in. As I sat quietly I had this overwhelming feeling that today was not going to be a good day. Lauri and Aunt Debbi came and waited with me and talked about what we should do with Mikes bills and stuff. Then we were finally granted permission to enter. Tom found us and wanted to tell us about the cat scan. We stood around him as he pulled up the cat scan, then he looked at us and said "This is the cat scan of a man who will never ride a motorcycle again." Lauri replied "good I don't want him riding one ever again" then leaned over to look at what a cat scan looks like if you are never going to ride again. Seeing that we weren't getting at what he was trying to say he regrouped and told us "now that the swelling is down we can really see the damage and he has a lot of damage". We all leaned forward as he starts pointing to different areas on the cat scan. "See here..and here..and here..and a lot of damage here..and here..and......". He kept pointing and pointing it was getting annoying then he turns to us and said "so I give him 5%". We all looked at him with a blank stairs not getting what he was talking about finally we had to admit our stupidity. "Five percent of what?" we asked and suddenly Tom looked very uncomfortable and just blurted out "that he will live". We couldn't believe what he was saying (even despite the fact that he told us he could die the first day) first he was talking about being cautiously optimistic and Mike not riding a motorcycle and now he is saying he is going to die, very confusing. Then he told us that given the trauma to Mikes brain that if by chance he doesn't die there is only a 2% chance that he would NOT be a complete vegetable, and if by chance he wasn't complete vegetable there was 7% chance that he could ever live without complete care. What a crappy thing to be told first thing in the morning.
This information was devastating and confusing given the strong feelings we were having about Mike and his recovery. I took the day to digest what we were told and by the end of the day I still knew that Mike wasn't going to die. I had concerns about his head trauma but the Lord made it clear to me that he was aware and Mike was in his care. My premonition had been right, this day was hard, I thought it might have been harder than the first day but I was able to drive myself home so probably not. As I think about Mikes prognosis now, it makes me realize how far he has come, he has beaten two astronomical odds: 1. He is alive. 2. He is not a vegetable. Now he only has one more odd to beat and I think he can do it.
Although this story is very serious and the things Tom told us were devastating and horrible, when ever Lauri and I talk about this it totally cracks us up. The main reason is that it took us months to realize that when Tom said "This is the cat scan of a man who will never ride a motorcycle again" it was his way of breaking it to us easy that Mike was going to die. It not only didn't work but confused us so much that by the time he said 5% we had no clue what he was talking about. Also for some reason all the constant pointing at the damage is now funny to us. Don't get me wrong it wasn't funny at the time but you gain a sick sense of humor when you go through terrible things. This is not the only inappropriate thing Lauri and I laugh hysterically at. For those of you who don't think this is funny all I can say is "I guess you had to be there".
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sitting Up Is Hard To Do
(July 2012)
Michael has been working on sitting up. He has lost a lot of his core muscle strength so it is a difficult task even with help. He sits on the side of the bed, I help him get into the sitting position, then stay behind him to give him some support. We are maxed out at about an half an hour right now but we are slowly working our way up. Hopefully with time he won't need my help that much or at all. Go Mike Go!!!
Monday, July 16, 2012
The First Day Part III
(March 2010)
I have decided to have a guest post from Mike's mom Lauri, it is here perspective of the first day. It has been difficult for me to write about the accident and the time right after it. It's hard to get motivated to write more about that time yet there is so much more to tell. Maybe having someone elses' words about that time will help me with motivation. I think it has been good for me to write and hopefully good for you to know what really happened.
The ringing phone woke me from the deep sleep I was in and as I reached for it, I glanced at the clock-
--12:33 A.M. The unfamiliar voice on the other end identified himself as an officer from the Lindon
Police Department. My immediate thought was of Jeffrey who was driving late into the night to reach
Northern California before morning. I asked if Jeff was alright. The officer informed me that he was
calling about Kevin. The grogginess from being awakened from sleep caused confusion. I informed
the officer that Kevin had passed away 10 years before. He asked if I was the mother of Kevin Michael Benson. When I indicated that I was, he informed me that Kevin (Michael) had been in a serious motorcycle accident and was being taken to the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. I asked if he was OK and the only thing he could tell me was that he was unconscious when he was airflighted from the scene. Before hanging up, he gave me his phone number in the event I needed anything or had further questions.
I immediately rolled out of bed and fell on my knees. Not knowing the type or extent of the injuries,
I simply prayed that Michael would be healed both body and mind. I was immediately reassured that
that would be the case. I then got on the phone and called Aunt Julie (my aunt who lives in Utah) and
asked if she and Grant could go check on Michael and if Grant could give Michael a blessing.
My next thoughts were of Lisa, Michael’s fiancé of three weeks. Although I knew her last name, I didn’t know what city she lived in or any other contact information. I had an e-mail address and quickly sent an e-mail to her asking her to call me immediately when she read it but I knew that she needed to know sooner than that and that she needed to be at the hospital immediately. I got on the computer and began a search and after a few minutes, found her address. I called the police officer back and asked if he would go to her house and let her know about Michael and have her call me when she had any news.
As I paced back and forth through the house trying to figure out my next step, my doorbell rang. It
Garry and Debie (my brother and sister-in-law); they had been contacted by Julie and told about the
accident and that I probably was in need of comfort. After visiting for a few minutes, Garry offered
to give me a blessing. It was a blessing of comfort but I was slightly taken back when I was told in the blessing that I would have the wherewithal to make all the decisions that were necessary in Michael’s behalf.
Just as the sun was coming up, Lisa called me with the first update. Michael was in critical condition. He broke his femur in 2 places, his ribs were broken, a lung was punctured, he had multiple cuts, scratches, and bruises but the doctors were most concerned about the brain injury he had sustained. Throughout the morning she updated me but was unprepared when she told me that the doctors were taking Michael into surgery to put a shunt in his brain to drain fluids. They reiterated to her the seriousness of the situation and told her that he may not make it. Even though I understood the gravity of what she was telling me, I knew that he would.
While all of this was going on, I got a call from Jeff telling me that his boss had arranged and paid for
an airline ticket for me to fly up to Utah that afternoon. My sister-in-law, Debbie, jumped on the same flight and went with me; somehow she knew that I shouldn’t be alone facing such a daunting situation.
When I arrived at the hospital, now approximately 18 hours after the accident, I got off the elevator and was overwhelmed at the number of Mike’s friends in the waiting room keeping a vigil and waiting to hear any news about their friend. Lisa escorted me to the ICU, and as we walked to his room, I asked if I was going to be able to handle this and she assured me that I would (keep in mind that she had seen him in ER before they had cleaned him up…when he was at his worst). I was again overwhelmed when I walked into the room and saw my son hooked up to multiple machines keeping him alive, and in a very deep coma.
The Physician’s Assistant walked me to the computer in the room and showed me picture after picture of Michael’s brain and tried to explain what I was looking at and what it meant. Having had only a few hours of sleep, eating only a piece of toast throughout the day, and being in shock at the sight of my son, what she was telling me was more than I could comprehend. What I did understand was that the most severe brain injuries were to the brain stem—the critical part of the brain that affects living a productive life.
As the evening went on, I knew I needed some food and some sleep so thanked the ICU nurse for
watching over my son for the night. He seemed surprised that I was leaving…”in case anything happens in the night.” It frankly never crossed my mind at that point that he might die; I felt that he was in capable hands. Debbie volunteered to stay with Michael through the night and I left to get some much needed sleep. She later told me that the nurse had stood at the foot of Michael’s bed through most of the night watching him carefully and monitoring all of the equipment. I think that most of those working with him were not expecting him to make it through that first night.
I have decided to have a guest post from Mike's mom Lauri, it is here perspective of the first day. It has been difficult for me to write about the accident and the time right after it. It's hard to get motivated to write more about that time yet there is so much more to tell. Maybe having someone elses' words about that time will help me with motivation. I think it has been good for me to write and hopefully good for you to know what really happened.
The ringing phone woke me from the deep sleep I was in and as I reached for it, I glanced at the clock-
--12:33 A.M. The unfamiliar voice on the other end identified himself as an officer from the Lindon
Police Department. My immediate thought was of Jeffrey who was driving late into the night to reach
Northern California before morning. I asked if Jeff was alright. The officer informed me that he was
calling about Kevin. The grogginess from being awakened from sleep caused confusion. I informed
the officer that Kevin had passed away 10 years before. He asked if I was the mother of Kevin Michael Benson. When I indicated that I was, he informed me that Kevin (Michael) had been in a serious motorcycle accident and was being taken to the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. I asked if he was OK and the only thing he could tell me was that he was unconscious when he was airflighted from the scene. Before hanging up, he gave me his phone number in the event I needed anything or had further questions.
I immediately rolled out of bed and fell on my knees. Not knowing the type or extent of the injuries,
I simply prayed that Michael would be healed both body and mind. I was immediately reassured that
that would be the case. I then got on the phone and called Aunt Julie (my aunt who lives in Utah) and
asked if she and Grant could go check on Michael and if Grant could give Michael a blessing.
My next thoughts were of Lisa, Michael’s fiancé of three weeks. Although I knew her last name, I didn’t know what city she lived in or any other contact information. I had an e-mail address and quickly sent an e-mail to her asking her to call me immediately when she read it but I knew that she needed to know sooner than that and that she needed to be at the hospital immediately. I got on the computer and began a search and after a few minutes, found her address. I called the police officer back and asked if he would go to her house and let her know about Michael and have her call me when she had any news.
As I paced back and forth through the house trying to figure out my next step, my doorbell rang. It
Garry and Debie (my brother and sister-in-law); they had been contacted by Julie and told about the
accident and that I probably was in need of comfort. After visiting for a few minutes, Garry offered
to give me a blessing. It was a blessing of comfort but I was slightly taken back when I was told in the blessing that I would have the wherewithal to make all the decisions that were necessary in Michael’s behalf.
Just as the sun was coming up, Lisa called me with the first update. Michael was in critical condition. He broke his femur in 2 places, his ribs were broken, a lung was punctured, he had multiple cuts, scratches, and bruises but the doctors were most concerned about the brain injury he had sustained. Throughout the morning she updated me but was unprepared when she told me that the doctors were taking Michael into surgery to put a shunt in his brain to drain fluids. They reiterated to her the seriousness of the situation and told her that he may not make it. Even though I understood the gravity of what she was telling me, I knew that he would.
While all of this was going on, I got a call from Jeff telling me that his boss had arranged and paid for
an airline ticket for me to fly up to Utah that afternoon. My sister-in-law, Debbie, jumped on the same flight and went with me; somehow she knew that I shouldn’t be alone facing such a daunting situation.
When I arrived at the hospital, now approximately 18 hours after the accident, I got off the elevator and was overwhelmed at the number of Mike’s friends in the waiting room keeping a vigil and waiting to hear any news about their friend. Lisa escorted me to the ICU, and as we walked to his room, I asked if I was going to be able to handle this and she assured me that I would (keep in mind that she had seen him in ER before they had cleaned him up…when he was at his worst). I was again overwhelmed when I walked into the room and saw my son hooked up to multiple machines keeping him alive, and in a very deep coma.
The Physician’s Assistant walked me to the computer in the room and showed me picture after picture of Michael’s brain and tried to explain what I was looking at and what it meant. Having had only a few hours of sleep, eating only a piece of toast throughout the day, and being in shock at the sight of my son, what she was telling me was more than I could comprehend. What I did understand was that the most severe brain injuries were to the brain stem—the critical part of the brain that affects living a productive life.
As the evening went on, I knew I needed some food and some sleep so thanked the ICU nurse for
watching over my son for the night. He seemed surprised that I was leaving…”in case anything happens in the night.” It frankly never crossed my mind at that point that he might die; I felt that he was in capable hands. Debbie volunteered to stay with Michael through the night and I left to get some much needed sleep. She later told me that the nurse had stood at the foot of Michael’s bed through most of the night watching him carefully and monitoring all of the equipment. I think that most of those working with him were not expecting him to make it through that first night.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Slow and Steady Wins the Race?
(July 2012)
While I am jogging I always tell myself "slow and steady wins the race", it helps me keep my pace and not get in a hurry. It always seemed like a good philosophy but I haven't really put it to the test. Until......
A few months ago Lauri and decided that our lives weren't difficult enough so we needed to run a 5k (I know CRAZY right). At the time it seemed like an insurmountable undertaking, all I did was go to work and hang out with Mike which basically entails laying beside him in bed. Once the goal was set, it took a couple of months of contemplation before I did anything because I didn't know how I was going to add jogging to my life. I finally decided I needed to just make the time and do it. If I packed exercise cloths in the morning and took them with me to work I would have them when I visited Mike and I could take some time out to jog. I got on a jogging schedule and realized just how out of shape I was. I kept telling myself "slow and steady wins the race". It was hard but I was determined and Michael always seemed proud of me when I returned.
Finally the day arrived and I was as prepared as I could be (well besides the waisted "contemplation months"). I made sure I had a super cute outfit to run in, I knew I wasn't going to go very fast but at least I could look good. My sister Katie joined us for the fun, we lined up, and we were off. I picked my slow and steady pace and started jogging. My pace was too slow for Lauri so she went on her way while Katie and I hung back waiting for everyone else to start dropping out of the race due to there not slow and steady pace. I kept my pace the whole time, it got very hard but I didn't give up or start walking I just kept going. As the finish line came into view I realized that although I ran slow and steady, I didn't win, in fact there were very few people who came in after me. I came in last for my age categories and to be honest most people could walk at the same pace I ran. The cool thing was that as we were passed up by the half marathoners who had been running much further than us they did not laugh they would cheer us on.
I have often wondered about those who come in last or near last in a 5k. Were they embarrassed? Did they even train for the race? Why were they even bothering to do the race at all. Now that I was one of "them" I realized not only how you feel, but what "slow and steady wins the race" really means. Despite what others may have thought I did train for the race. I was not embarrassed about my time or how I did in the race at all. I knew I had done my best and given my circumstances this was not an easy undertaking. I had given all I could at this time and this was the fruits of it. "Slow and steady wins the race" is really more about life than an actual race. Sometimes in life we have more to give than others, this is due to our circumstances, our "slow" pace at one time in our lives can seem like a sprint at other times. We can only do what we can do and we should not do more or less than that. If we do this we can make it to the end and in the race of life we are only compared to ourselves. We should not look at what others "pace" and feel bad that our pace is slower (unless we are just being lazy) or feel superior to others because our "pace" is faster. We are all at different places in are lives and we should just cheer each other on.
While I am jogging I always tell myself "slow and steady wins the race", it helps me keep my pace and not get in a hurry. It always seemed like a good philosophy but I haven't really put it to the test. Until......
A few months ago Lauri and decided that our lives weren't difficult enough so we needed to run a 5k (I know CRAZY right). At the time it seemed like an insurmountable undertaking, all I did was go to work and hang out with Mike which basically entails laying beside him in bed. Once the goal was set, it took a couple of months of contemplation before I did anything because I didn't know how I was going to add jogging to my life. I finally decided I needed to just make the time and do it. If I packed exercise cloths in the morning and took them with me to work I would have them when I visited Mike and I could take some time out to jog. I got on a jogging schedule and realized just how out of shape I was. I kept telling myself "slow and steady wins the race". It was hard but I was determined and Michael always seemed proud of me when I returned.
Finally the day arrived and I was as prepared as I could be (well besides the waisted "contemplation months"). I made sure I had a super cute outfit to run in, I knew I wasn't going to go very fast but at least I could look good. My sister Katie joined us for the fun, we lined up, and we were off. I picked my slow and steady pace and started jogging. My pace was too slow for Lauri so she went on her way while Katie and I hung back waiting for everyone else to start dropping out of the race due to there not slow and steady pace. I kept my pace the whole time, it got very hard but I didn't give up or start walking I just kept going. As the finish line came into view I realized that although I ran slow and steady, I didn't win, in fact there were very few people who came in after me. I came in last for my age categories and to be honest most people could walk at the same pace I ran. The cool thing was that as we were passed up by the half marathoners who had been running much further than us they did not laugh they would cheer us on.
I have often wondered about those who come in last or near last in a 5k. Were they embarrassed? Did they even train for the race? Why were they even bothering to do the race at all. Now that I was one of "them" I realized not only how you feel, but what "slow and steady wins the race" really means. Despite what others may have thought I did train for the race. I was not embarrassed about my time or how I did in the race at all. I knew I had done my best and given my circumstances this was not an easy undertaking. I had given all I could at this time and this was the fruits of it. "Slow and steady wins the race" is really more about life than an actual race. Sometimes in life we have more to give than others, this is due to our circumstances, our "slow" pace at one time in our lives can seem like a sprint at other times. We can only do what we can do and we should not do more or less than that. If we do this we can make it to the end and in the race of life we are only compared to ourselves. We should not look at what others "pace" and feel bad that our pace is slower (unless we are just being lazy) or feel superior to others because our "pace" is faster. We are all at different places in are lives and we should just cheer each other on.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Lauri, woman of mystery
(July 2012)
snow shoeing,
bike riding,
picnicking,
I'm usually pretty self-centered
when it comes to my blog posts but today I'm going to deviate and write about
Lauri (Mikes Mom). It also happens to be here birthday today (coincidence?)
I liked Lauri before I even met her.
When we were dating, Michael would tell me about his mom and I couldn't help
but be impressed. Let me give you a little back ground: Lauri is a mother of 3
great kids, Michael (is the oldest), Katie, and Jeff, which she raised with her wonderful
husband Kevin. When her children were mostly grown, Kevin got a very aggressive
form of cancer and passed away. Lauri finished raising the youngest (he was 15
at the time) and went back to school. After getting her bachelor degree, Lauri
moved from California to Arizona by herself. There she did more schooling and
got her master’s degree. During all this she also taught seminary, worked as a
long term substitute teacher (she taught almost every subject known to man),
and held her family together all alone.
I liked Lauri not only because she
is impressive but because I could relate to her. Being a single girl who was
making her own way in life, I could understand where Lauri was coming from and
I felt that she could do the same for me. After meeting Lauri for the first
time my feelings about her were confirmed and I liked her even more. Plus she
is such a classy lady so I had even more to aspire to. I was excited to be a part
of the family and to get to know her better.
The
first time I me Lauri (Christmas with Lauri, Jeff, Mike and Lucky)
Then "The Accident"
happened and ready or not Lauri and I were thrown together. At the time, Lauri
and I had only spoken on the phone once for a very brief, awkward conversation.
Now we were discussing life and death on a daily basis. Right off the bat it
wasn't "I'm the MOTHER you're just the fiancé" we were a team trying to
get through this tough situation together. We made every decision together, prayed
together, counseled together, cried together, and laughed together. It
took me awhile to realize how amazing this was. I have heard stories of similar
situations where the family comes in and immediately puts the fiancé or even
the spouse in the back seat. This never happened to me I was always treated as
an equal by both the family and the hospital and I am SO grateful.
I have such a great love for Lauri.
I feel like Ruth and Naomi from the Old Testament, well besides the leaving my
family (I have a great and supportive family and mother) and being a widow
thing (Michael is very much alive). Lauri is a righteous woman with so much
faith and endurance it is amazing I am constantly learning from her. We have
been through so much together and because we are both single woman, we rely on
each other for support.
Lauri has left Michael in Utah so we
can be together. She travels up every other weekend from Arizona to see Michael
and take care of the constant barrage of issues that seem to always surround
us. She stays with me when she comes and it is always the highlight of my
month. We always have plenty to talk about, although, we seem to talk about the
same things over and over. Because we have each other, we don't need a therapist
or to annoy those around us by tell them the same things over and
over again. We also have fun and try to do some sort of girl adventure every
couple of months, so far we have;
been camping,
hiking,
bike riding,
picnicking,
pottery painting, shopping, cupcake eating, and walking.
This Saturday we will add to our adventures by doing a 5k. Yes Lauri just
turned 55 and she is going to run a 5k see how impressive she is?
Now you know Michael has an amazing mother (if you didn't already know that). We have become great friends and I won't admit to how many times we call each other. I couldn't do this without her.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
It Smells Like Birthdays in Here
(June 2012)
June is birthday season for Mike and I. My birthday is June 14th and Mikes birthday is June 21st exactly one week later. It's great to have my birthday first because I can see what Michael does and act accordingly for his birthday (hahaha). The truth of the mater is that we have never spent our birthdays together outside of a hospital :( Which, including our most resent birthdays have been three.
Our first birthdays together were depressing to say the least. Mike was still pretty much in a coma and I was not in a partying mood. I tried to cheer myself up so I made Mike bye me these super cute impractical shoes:
I must admit there cuteness did make me feel a little better.
For Mike's birthday I decided he needed to look less like a hospital patient and more like a BYU fan so I bought him a BYU jersey. The problem was that because he still had a trach in at the time, he could not put it on like a normal shirt. So being the smart UofU graduate that I am, I cut a slit up the back so he could just slide it on like a hospital gown. I tried to party with him but it was kind of a bust for both of our birthdays.
The following year was much better Lauri talked to Mike about what to get me and he basically told her (through a series of eye blinks) that he trusted her to pick me out a gift. So he gave me a mini Ice cream maker which I love. I'm glad Michael knows when he is in over his head and lets his mom take over. We had a lot of fun and went to Sonic for Icees.
Mikes Birthday was not quite as fun but not due to lack of effort. I decided he needed something great so I blended up an In-N-Out burger (animal style) and some animal style fries. Michael was able to eat soft things pretty well at the time so he was able to have his favorite In-N-Out burger for his B-day (I guess this part worked out well).
I also wanted to have a bonfire party for him but due to the difficulty of getting around and Michael's early bird tendencies, it ended up being a party in the park mid-day with a mobile fire pit. I would say it worked out great but that would be quite the exaggeration. It was such a hot day and the walk to the park was kind of long. By the time we got there, Mike was overheated and exhausted. Then the smoke from the little fire kept blowing in his face which made him cough endlessly. Poor Mike was sweating in the heat with smoke blowing in his face and bugs flying all around while he sat uncomfortably in his wheelchair. I know he loved seeing his friends but I think he wished it was under more comfortable circumstances. (I lost all my pictures of this b-day when my phone got stolen)
The good thing about me is I live and I learn so this year I tried to do it right. For my birthday I kept it low key so I could save my energy for Mikes birthday. My mom was in town so she hung out with me and Mike for my b-day. We opened presents with Mike, then went out to dinner, came back, and just watched a movie. Mike gave me a date in a box so the next date night I don't have to think of what to do.
A week later having been rested up I was ready to party for Mike. Lauri was able to get some time off work and come to town so I followed suite and also took the day off work. We started the party early we arranged for a transport van to pick Mike up at 10 am to bring us to Bridal Veil Falls up Provo Canyon. After a crazy van ride which Lauri described as "Mr. Toads Wild Ride", we made it to Nun's Park and hiked up to the falls. Our driver was nice enough to go with us a first to get some pictures.
Mike loved the hike and the falls we sat and watched them for a while. I asked Mike how many girls he tried to seduce at these falls. With a big smile on his face, he raised his hand and started counting with his fingers. I'm not sure the total number because he can only count to five but I discovered I wasn't the first girl he has gone to Bridal Veil Falls with. We went for a walk then back to the Falls. I gave Mike some rocks and like the boy he is, he threw them into the creek. It was hard for him to get the fluid action of throwing but with practice he got pretty good at it.
It was time to go and we were all happy, what a great birthday adventure. Once we got back we rested up, watched some crazy videos his nephews sent him, finally opened his presents, and invited friends and family over for cupcakes. Mike had some fun old friends come and some of my family that lives close by. It was an enjoyable evening. Michael loved all the visitors and gifts and was worn out but happy by the end of the day. I guess it just took some practice and help from his mom to finally have a successful birthday.
June is birthday season for Mike and I. My birthday is June 14th and Mikes birthday is June 21st exactly one week later. It's great to have my birthday first because I can see what Michael does and act accordingly for his birthday (hahaha). The truth of the mater is that we have never spent our birthdays together outside of a hospital :( Which, including our most resent birthdays have been three.
Our first birthdays together were depressing to say the least. Mike was still pretty much in a coma and I was not in a partying mood. I tried to cheer myself up so I made Mike bye me these super cute impractical shoes:
For Mike's birthday I decided he needed to look less like a hospital patient and more like a BYU fan so I bought him a BYU jersey. The problem was that because he still had a trach in at the time, he could not put it on like a normal shirt. So being the smart UofU graduate that I am, I cut a slit up the back so he could just slide it on like a hospital gown. I tried to party with him but it was kind of a bust for both of our birthdays.
The following year was much better Lauri talked to Mike about what to get me and he basically told her (through a series of eye blinks) that he trusted her to pick me out a gift. So he gave me a mini Ice cream maker which I love. I'm glad Michael knows when he is in over his head and lets his mom take over. We had a lot of fun and went to Sonic for Icees.
Mikes Birthday was not quite as fun but not due to lack of effort. I decided he needed something great so I blended up an In-N-Out burger (animal style) and some animal style fries. Michael was able to eat soft things pretty well at the time so he was able to have his favorite In-N-Out burger for his B-day (I guess this part worked out well).
I also wanted to have a bonfire party for him but due to the difficulty of getting around and Michael's early bird tendencies, it ended up being a party in the park mid-day with a mobile fire pit. I would say it worked out great but that would be quite the exaggeration. It was such a hot day and the walk to the park was kind of long. By the time we got there, Mike was overheated and exhausted. Then the smoke from the little fire kept blowing in his face which made him cough endlessly. Poor Mike was sweating in the heat with smoke blowing in his face and bugs flying all around while he sat uncomfortably in his wheelchair. I know he loved seeing his friends but I think he wished it was under more comfortable circumstances. (I lost all my pictures of this b-day when my phone got stolen)
The good thing about me is I live and I learn so this year I tried to do it right. For my birthday I kept it low key so I could save my energy for Mikes birthday. My mom was in town so she hung out with me and Mike for my b-day. We opened presents with Mike, then went out to dinner, came back, and just watched a movie. Mike gave me a date in a box so the next date night I don't have to think of what to do.
A week later having been rested up I was ready to party for Mike. Lauri was able to get some time off work and come to town so I followed suite and also took the day off work. We started the party early we arranged for a transport van to pick Mike up at 10 am to bring us to Bridal Veil Falls up Provo Canyon. After a crazy van ride which Lauri described as "Mr. Toads Wild Ride", we made it to Nun's Park and hiked up to the falls. Our driver was nice enough to go with us a first to get some pictures.
Mike loved the hike and the falls we sat and watched them for a while. I asked Mike how many girls he tried to seduce at these falls. With a big smile on his face, he raised his hand and started counting with his fingers. I'm not sure the total number because he can only count to five but I discovered I wasn't the first girl he has gone to Bridal Veil Falls with. We went for a walk then back to the Falls. I gave Mike some rocks and like the boy he is, he threw them into the creek. It was hard for him to get the fluid action of throwing but with practice he got pretty good at it.
It was time to go and we were all happy, what a great birthday adventure. Once we got back we rested up, watched some crazy videos his nephews sent him, finally opened his presents, and invited friends and family over for cupcakes. Mike had some fun old friends come and some of my family that lives close by. It was an enjoyable evening. Michael loved all the visitors and gifts and was worn out but happy by the end of the day. I guess it just took some practice and help from his mom to finally have a successful birthday.
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