There is No Easy Way to Say.......

(March 2010)

......Your Son is Going to Die

After the first day the main focus was on getting Mikes brain to stop swelling to prevent further damage.  There was a monitor in his head that would tell what the pressure was and a shunt in his head to drain the fluid (brain juice) around his head when the pressure got too high.  The pressure would go up and then back down we were watching all monitors like a hawk and knew what every number meant and what they should be.  Things would change with Mike for good and bad in the blink of an eye and so did our moods and emotions.  It was a taxing visual but there was such a sweet spirit in his room it felt like a sacred place and we often played soft music and hymns for Mike.

The next day we came in and Tom the trauma PA (remember him from the first day? booo)  showed us that Mikes brain had stopped swelling and things seemed to be turning around he thought that by the next day they would be able to get a clear cat scan.  He told us that the neuro surgeon would be very pleased and that he was "cautiously optimistic"about things.  We were all so excited, finally our thoughts and feelings about Michael living and getting better were being manifested.  We thought this was the start to really good things and the mood the rest of that day was much lighter and hopeful. 

Despite our high hopes I didn't get a good nights sleep and soon I was back at the ICU to see Mike.  I had gotten there a bit early and  was waiting for the visitor nazis to let me in.  As I sat quietly I had this overwhelming feeling that today was not going to be a good day.  Lauri and Aunt Debbi came and waited with me and talked about what we should do with Mikes bills and stuff.  Then we were finally granted permission to enter.  Tom found us and wanted to tell us about the cat scan.  We stood around him as he pulled up the cat scan, then he looked at us and said "This is the cat scan of a man who will never ride a motorcycle again."  Lauri replied "good I don't want him riding one ever again" then leaned over to look at what a cat scan looks like if you are never going to ride again.  Seeing that we weren't getting at what he was trying to say he regrouped and told us "now that the swelling is down we can really see the damage and he has a lot of damage".  We all leaned forward as he starts pointing to different areas on the cat scan.  "See here..and here..and here..and a lot of damage here..and here..and......".  He kept pointing and pointing it was getting annoying then he turns to us and said "so I give him 5%".  We all looked at him with a blank stairs not getting what he was talking about finally we had to admit our stupidity.  "Five percent of what?" we asked and suddenly Tom looked very uncomfortable and just blurted out "that he will live". We couldn't believe what he was saying (even despite the fact that he told us he could die the first day) first he was talking about being cautiously optimistic and Mike not riding a motorcycle and now he is saying he is going to die, very confusing. Then he told us that given the trauma to Mikes brain that if by chance he doesn't die there is only a 2% chance that he would NOT be a complete vegetable, and if by chance he wasn't  complete vegetable there was 7% chance that he could ever live without complete care.  What a crappy thing to be told first thing in the morning. 

This information was devastating and confusing given the strong feelings we were having about Mike and his recovery. I took the day to digest what we were told and by the end of the day I still knew that Mike wasn't going to die.  I had concerns about his head trauma but the Lord made it clear to me that he was aware and Mike was in his care.  My premonition had been right, this day was hard, I thought it might have been harder than the first day but I was able to drive myself home so probably not. As I think about Mikes prognosis now, it makes me realize how far he has come, he has beaten two astronomical odds: 1. He is alive.  2. He is not a vegetable. Now he only has one more odd to beat and I think he can do it.

Although this story is very serious and the things Tom told us were devastating and horrible, when ever Lauri and I talk about this it totally cracks us up.  The main reason is that it took us months to realize that when Tom said "This is the cat scan of a man who will never ride a motorcycle again" it was his way of breaking it to us easy that Mike was going to die.  It not only didn't work but confused us so much that by the time he said 5% we had no clue what he was talking about.  Also for some reason all the constant pointing at the damage is now funny to us.  Don't get me wrong it wasn't funny at the time but you gain a sick sense of humor when you go through terrible things.  This is not the only inappropriate thing Lauri and I laugh hysterically at. For those of you who don't think this is funny all I can say is "I guess you had to be there".