It Smells Like Birthdays in Here

(June 2012)

June is birthday season for Mike and I.  My birthday is June 14th and Mikes birthday is June 21st exactly one week later.  It's great to have my birthday first because I can see what Michael does and act accordingly for his birthday (hahaha).  The truth of the mater is that we have never spent our birthdays together outside of a hospital :( Which, including our most resent birthdays have been three.

Our first birthdays together were depressing to say the least. Mike was still pretty much in a coma and I was not in a partying mood.  I tried to cheer myself up so I made Mike bye me these super cute impractical shoes:

I must admit there cuteness did make me feel a little better.

For Mike's birthday I decided he needed to look less like a hospital patient and more like a BYU fan so I bought him a BYU jersey.  The problem was that because he still had a trach in at the time, he could not put it on like a normal shirt.  So being the smart UofU graduate that I am, I cut a slit up the back so he could just slide it on like a hospital gown. I tried to party with him but it was kind of a bust for both of our birthdays.

The following year was much better Lauri talked to Mike about what to get me and he basically told her (through a series of eye blinks) that he trusted her to pick me out a gift.  So he gave me a mini Ice cream maker which I love.  I'm glad Michael knows when he is in over his head and lets his mom take over.  We had a lot of fun and went to Sonic for Icees.

Mikes Birthday was not quite as fun but not due to lack of effort. I decided he needed something great so I blended up an In-N-Out burger (animal style) and some animal style fries. Michael was able to eat soft things pretty well at the time so he was able to have his favorite In-N-Out burger for his B-day (I guess this part worked out well).

 I also wanted to have a bonfire party for him but due to the difficulty of getting around and Michael's early bird tendencies, it ended up being a party in the park mid-day with a mobile fire pit.  I would say it worked out great but that would be quite the exaggeration.  It was such a hot day and the walk to the park was kind of long. By the time we got there, Mike was overheated and exhausted.  Then the smoke from the little fire kept blowing in his face which made him cough endlessly.  Poor Mike was sweating in the heat with smoke blowing in his face and bugs flying all around while he sat uncomfortably in his wheelchair.  I know he loved seeing his friends but I think he wished it was under more comfortable circumstances.  (I lost all my pictures of this b-day when my phone got stolen)

The good thing about me is I live and I learn so this year I tried to do it right.  For my birthday I kept it low key so I could save my energy for Mikes birthday.  My mom was in town so she hung out with me and Mike for my b-day.  We opened presents with Mike, then went out to dinner, came back, and just watched a movie.  Mike gave me a date in a box so the next date night I don't have to think of what to do.

A week later having been rested up I was ready to party for Mike.  Lauri was able to get some time off work and come to town so I followed suite and also took the day off work.   We started the party early we arranged for a transport van to pick Mike up at 10 am to bring us to Bridal Veil Falls up Provo Canyon.  After a crazy van ride which Lauri described as "Mr. Toads Wild Ride", we made it to Nun's Park and hiked up to the falls. Our driver was nice enough to go with us a first to get some pictures. 

Mike loved the hike and the falls we sat and watched them for a while.  I asked Mike how many girls he tried to seduce at these falls.  With a big smile on his face, he raised his hand and started counting with his fingers.  I'm not sure the total number because he can only count to five but I discovered I wasn't the first girl he has gone to Bridal Veil Falls with.  We went for a walk then back to the Falls.  I gave Mike some rocks and like the boy he is, he threw them into the creek.  It was hard for him to get the fluid action of throwing but with practice he got pretty good at it.

It was time to go and we were all happy, what a great birthday adventure.  Once we got back we rested up, watched some crazy videos his nephews sent him, finally opened his presents, and invited friends and family over for cupcakes.  Mike had some fun old friends come and some of my family that lives close by.  It was an enjoyable evening.  Michael loved all the visitors and gifts and was worn out but happy by the end of the day.  I guess it just took some practice and help from his mom to finally have a successful birthday. 

No Means No!

(April 2012)

Michael's main mode of communication is indicating yes or no.  We have tried many different methods for doing this. I've mentioned my favorite which are thumbs up-thumbs down, or close eyes for yes, eyes open for no.  We also have signs that we glued to fly swatters that say YES and NO.  For a time, you would hold the signs in different hands and Michael would look at the one that indicated his answer. Then after awhile, he would point with a pointer at the one that indicates his answer.

Lauri and I were playing around with Michael having him answer questions by pointing to the signs.  He was doing really well and we learned some interesting things like; he still doesn't like Macs or the Utes, and he says he remembers the accident (I hope this isn't true).  Soon we all grew tired of the questioning and decided to move onto something different.  Lauri wanted Mike to show off for me so she asked him to raise his arm high above his head (which he had been doing earlier for her).  As she was asking him to do it, instead of moving his arm up he was moving it down.  I tried to encourage him, "come on babe raise your arm".  He continued to move his arm down instead of up and then he was fumbling around his lap. I couldn't figure out what he was doing until I saw what he was trying to grab for.  Finally he found the handle to the NO sign and held it up to his mom.  With a satisfied smile on his face, Michael made sure he turned it just right for optimal mom reading (Boo Yeah!).  This made us laugh so hard, it was good to see that Michael hasn't lost his sense of humor and I bet it felt so good for him to have some say in his life.. We now make sure the signs are no where in sight when we are trying to force Mike to do something.

The First Day Part 2

(March 2010)

....Michael's room was empty and it devastated me.  Where could he be?  I went to the nurses station to see what they could tell me.  The nurses looked in the computer to see what had happened and suddenly there was a change in their tone and helpfulness.  They told me that Michael had another CAT scan earlier and things had changed so he was sent for emergency neuro surgery.  They sent a nurse to show me where the surgery was and to explain what was going on.  Katie (my sister) and I followed him as he used analogies to explain what was going on with Michael's brain. I was told this analogy several times but for the life of me I don't remember it, so sorry I can't share it with you, I'm sure it was really good.  I did get the idea that it was not good and he left us in the waiting room while he got the P.A. (physicians assistant) to fill in the blanks.

Tom (the P.A.) looked like a non-threatening guy (looks can be deceiving), he came and talked to me about what was going on with Mike.  Tom told me that the CAT scan they took right after the accident and the one they took that morning were like day and night (not in a good way). He used the same analogy that the nurse did, sorry I know your dying to hear it but I can't remember.  What I can tell you is that his brain was swelling and they didn't have a good way to relieve the pressure.  The surgery was to put a monitor in is head to track the pressure on the brain and a tub that could drain fluids to give the brain more room to swell.  He explained that sometimes when people hurt there brain it is in a specific location so they can remove part of the skull to give the brain more room to swell.  But Michael's whole brain was hurt so that was not a possibility.  Then he said "so we will take things minute by minute, then maybe we could get to hour by hour or day by day."  I looked at him and said "are you saying Michael could die."  He looked at me with at "well duh" look and said "yes".  Until this moment I never thought of death as a possibility especially because of the way I had felt after I prayed and in the quiet moments. 

I went into shock I couldn't believe what was going on, just a few hours ago we had our whole lives ahead of us.  I was sitting next to Katie holding her hand and I was looking out the waiting room door while a flood of thoughts and feelings washed over me.  I thought about Michael dying and wondered if this was what was going to happen.  I let myself accept that this could be the reality of the situation and I let myself feel what that would be.  I then started praying in my heart for the Lord to tell me if what the P.A. told me was true. Was Michael going to die?  As I pondered this I had a strong feeling that he was not going to die.  During this time Katie was talking to me, trying to see if I wanted her to call my brother.  I heard her but I could not answer her, I think this must have totally freaked her out that her sister was just staring into space and not responding. Finally she gave up on me and said "I'm calling Kurt" (my brother).  Once I felt that I understood the situation I came out of my shock (mostly).  I decided I better call Lauri and tell her to come ASAP until this time we knew his accident was serious but none of us thought it was life threatening.

I went to call Lauri and I realized that I left my phone in the ICU. The thought of having to work my way back to the ICU was overwhelming at that moment if felt like being asked to climb Mt. Everest.  Fortunately I had my sister with me and she gave me her phone and went to retrieve my phone for me (see it was a good thing I had her come.)  I couldn't call Lauri with Katie's phone so I called my mother in the mean time.  I told her all the awful things Tom had told me and cried my voice was shaky but as I talked to her and told her how I felt as I prayed the strong feeling that he would not die and of peace came back to me.  My mother made plans for her and my dad to come from Rexburg (4 hours).  Katie got back with the phone and I'm glad I talked to my mom first because I was totally calm when I explained to Lauri what was going on and she needed to get here ASAP.  She agreed and said she already booked a flight that would get her into Provo around 5 pm.

Then the waiting began, first I was waiting for his brain monitor to be placed.  The Neuro surgeon and his PA came and talked to me about his surgery and his condition I think they even used the same analogy (I know I should remember it).  They sent him right into surgery for his leg which was broken in 3 places.  Because it was his femur, they needed to stabilize it by putting a rod through it. Michael wasn't stable enough for that surgery so they had to do it externally which involved screwing a metal bar to his leg.  So then I was waiting for his leg surgery. By this time I had been at the hospital for at least 7 hours and I had only seen him briefly in the very beginning.  Then I glimpsed him being rolled back to the ICU so I hurried back to see him but then I had to wait for him to be put back to bed and situate him.  Michael was hooked up to all kinds of monitors and a ventilator to help him breath it was actually quite noise in his room. Finally, Finally, I was able to see him and be with him it felt good to finally hold his hand and be near him. 

The rest of the day was a whirl of activity going on around me.  During his surgeries the word had gotten out about the accident and his friends started arriving and setting up a vigil.  I'm sure I talked to them at some point but I really don't recall.  My brother Kurt arrived from Salt Lake and gave me a priesthood blessing to help me deal with the situation.  Mikes aunt and uncle returned and at some point my parents arrived.  My sister and cousin made a trip to my house to get me real close because up to that point I was in pajamas (at least it was sweats and a T shirt).  At one point while in with Mike, I was holding his hand and suddenly I couldn't feel "him" any more I looked at his face and it was super white.  I started getting worried when suddenly the nurses rushed in and sent me out.  When I was let back in I found out his lung just collapsed because of the broken ribs so they put a chest tub in to help keep air in it.

Finally at 5:30 Lauri arrived with aunt Debbie (Mike's aunt), I was so worried they wouldn't let her in because it was shift change, again, and I knew from previous experience what sticklers they were about it.  Fortunately given the gravity of the situation they relented and let her in when she came.  Lauri asked me how Michael looked and if she would be able to handle it.  I told her he looked pretty good and that she would most definitely have no problem.  What I didn't realize is that just because someone looks better than they did when you first saw them does not mean they look good.  Lauri was in for a shock.  After Lauri successfully fought the urge to faint after seeing Mike the medical staff descended on her and started filling her in on everything I'm sure they used the same analogy they told me so if you want to know she might remember it.  I didn't want to hear it all again and feeling that I could pass the torch to someone else, exhaustion set in.  I decided to make my exit and had my parents drive me home for much needed rest.

I slept for a couple of hours and woke up wondering if I should return to the hospital.  As I thought about it I realized that Michael was going to make it through the night and that this was going to be a long haul so I needed my sleep more than I needed to be at the hospital.  I made myself go back to bed and sleep.  I found out later that Lauri felt the same way and left the hospital around 10 or 11.  The nurses were so concerned that Michael would die during the night and none of us would be around they asked Lauri if she was sure she wanted to leave.  Luck for both of us Mikes aunt Debbie stepped up and said she would spend the night with him.  When I heard this I was so grateful to know that Mike wasn't alone during the night and that his mom and I were both able to get much needed sleep.

Mike in ICU

I love you 5

(June 2012)

Girls are needy we need to be appreciated and we need to be told that we are appreciated and especially loved.  Some men are under the misconception that you don't need to tell your loved ones that you love them because they already know and it would be redundant if you kept telling them.  This is not true even though we may know that you love us we like to be told again and again not because we don't know (most of the time) but because it's just nice to hear and it's reassuring.  Michael was good at this he was always telling me how much he loved me and other such niceties and I ate it up. I loved it, who doesn't like to be told they are loved by the person they love. 

The problem is that ever sense his accident Michael can't talk to me and although I know he loves me very much I am a needy girl and I want to hear him say that he loves me.  At first I just accepted it Michael couldn't tell me but I knew and that was good enough.  But as time went on this was not good enough I wanted more.  So once Michael started to acknowledge the world around him I started exploiting his abilities to tell me he loves me.  At first is was squeeze my hand if you love me then we moved on to blink your eyes if you love me.  This started early on when often he couldn't or wouldn't respond at all but every time I asked him if he loved me he would acknowledge that he did.  After some time we graduated to thumbs up if you love me and being a girl every time he confirmed he loved me my heart would do a little dance (see girls aren't so complicated after all).

Knowing that Michael loves me is great and the fact that he can confirm his love is even better but as I mentioned earlier girls are needy so as Michael has improved my need for more information about his love has increased.  I now have him show me how much he loves me so he will squeeze my hand but now the harder he squeezes the more he loves me. I love all the ways he tells me he loves me but my favorite is when he quantifies his love with a number.  Michael only has the use of his left hand so the highest amount of love has to be capped at five.  I ask him on a scale from 1 to 5 how much does he love me (5 being the absolute highest) some may think this is manipulative but I say whatever works works. He will raise his hand and try to show five which is difficult because although he has the use of his hand, his fingers can't straighten all the way and  It is hard for him. Seeing him do something so hard just to let me know how much  he loves me makes me realize that 5 is the best number to be loved.

I think that we all need to not only show people we love them but also tell them even if all you can do is show 5.