I used to listen to Dr. Laura, for some reason I liked listening to her yell at people for the way they lived their lives and telling them how they should live. Funny thing is most of the time she was actually right. One thing she would say is "you're not engaged unless you have a ring and a date".
I don't think Mike listens to Dr. Laura but for my birthday last year he was finally able to get me a real ring (you know the kind that sparkles and lets everyone know you are taken). Michael is a true romantic and what could be more romantic than a homemade engagement ring made by the man you love? Well I will tell you.... Mike gave me the engagement ring that his dad gave to his mom when they got married. When I opened the gift I couldn't believe it, it made me cry and I couldn't even read the card that Lauri wrote for Mike. The ring was way too small and delicate for my beefy hands so we had it sized larger and added an extra band and larger diamond and I love it! I love it because I think it is beautiful, I love it because it belonged to Mike's parents, I love it because it's both the past and the present, and I love it because Mike gave it to me.
Well Michael got the ring but we are only half way there for Dr. Laura to be satisfied. I guess the date thing is up to me. Deciding when is it time to marry a man in a nursing home is not as easy as you may think. There are so many things to consider, questions to be asked and answered, and on top of that you need to feel that it is the right time for you, your fiance, and the Lord. I will not go into all the specifics of this difficult decision because they are personal but I will tell you that if you are patient and open your heart and mind even a decision this complex can be made.
After five years Michael and I are pleased to announce that we are officially engaged again (according to Dr. Laura) we finally feel like it is time for us to get married and have chosen September 25th as our wedding date.
The Future New Benson Family(Harley featured bellow)
It all started several months ago with a dream about being in a small boat with Michael and Lauri and seeking shelter in a cove after a huge storm made the seas to wild. After the storm died down I knew it was time to leave the cove but there was a huge wall of water blocking us from leaving the cove and getting back to the ocean. As I moved the boat towards the wall of water I didn't know how we were going to make it past the wall I just new we needed to so I pressed forward. Then I woke up.
This may be just a crazy dream but to me it definitely had meaning and there are probably multiple analogies you could pull from this dream. At the time the dream represented how we kind of hunkered down after Mikes accident and lived a simplified life in the hospital and that now that things weren't so crazy it was time to get back to a more normal life. The problem in both the dream and in real life is that there is a giant obstacle in the way of this transition and just like in the dream I don't know how to get past this obstacle but I have decided to move forward.
The first thing this dream lead me to do was to buy a house. I don't think many people know that it was a crazy dream about a boat that got me thinking about buying a house. I realized that living on a third floor condo was not going to be very conducive to having a fiance in a wheelchair. Although at the time it wasn't very plausible from him to visit me anyways because we had no way to transport him, if things were going to change we would need a place to be. So after much prayer and thought and promptings and a few tears I found a perfect home in Lehi. It is all one story with not a lot of stairs leading up to it, it is halfway between my work and where Mike stays, it's close to my brother and his family, and it has great walking paths all around it. Mike's aunt Julie and uncle Grant's family even made us a moveable wheelchair ramp for Mike for Christmas. Mike was able to come check it out before we closed on it and he loved it.
So now I had a house, which was great, but Mike couldn't get to it without extreme difficulty and getting lots of people involved. If fact after his first visit we hadn't been able to get him back to the house. This needed to change but how..... I contemplated our dilemma many times over and over no solution seemed plausible or even remotely doable but I soon settled on a solution well actually I felt very inspired about the solution. We needed to buy Mike a wheelchair van. There were many problems with this solution, I will list them out for you.
1. Mike is so large he doesn't fit in a conventional wheelchair van.
2. We could not afford a wheelchair van they are very expensive.
3. Where on earth do you find a giant wheelchair van/bus that could hold Mike?
4. Could I drive it (well I know I could drive it, would I want to drive it was the problem)?
5. Was it even possible to load Mike in a van without a lot of help?
6. Would Medicare even let Mike have a van?
Of all these problems the greatest problem was the money for a wheelchair van . I didn't know how this was going to be possible but I decided not to let that stop me. If the Lord wanted Mike to have transportation he would have transportation. I started looking, I paid attention to vans to see what would or would not work for Mike, I told everyone that I was looking for a van and to keep their eyes open for one, I started searching KSL for used wheelchair vans, I got input from other van owners, and I strategized about how we could come up with enough money to buy one. This process didn't yield a van but it did help me know more of what I was looking for. We needed a van that had rear entry wheelchair lift instead of the standard side entry, It needed the roof to be heightened, and it needed to be full sized van not a minivan.
Then all at once everything changed Mike got some unexpected money from the insurance company that Lauri had been fighting to get for 4 years and was told she would never get it. We had completely given up on the money and were not expecting to see a dime of it. Then one day Lauri was informed the they were giving Mike $10,000 of that money, not a lot but better than nothing. Soon after this I found a van on KSL that had a rear entry wheelchair lift, heightened roof, and was a full sized van for only $9,000. I took a test drive and also tested transporting Mike in it and it all worked better than expected. We had just enough money to buy the van, pay for taxes, and pay the licence/registration coisodence? It all happened so fast we didn't even realize what a miracle/blessing it was until later.
So here she is, we call her Big Bertha
Now Michael comes to my house almost every weekend and we can go out and visit people or have adventures. What a blessing in our lives and we are thankful everyday for these wonderful gifts. We haven't made it past the huge wall of water to get back to the ocean of life yet but this has been a giant step forward. We are still moving toward through the wall not knowing for sure how to get past it but knowing that the Lord is mindful and is helping us get there one step at a time. We don't have to know how it's going to happen we just need to know that it will happen.
February is the month of love for Michael and I. Not just because of Valentines Day but we got engaged February 7th 2010, and February is the month that we were able to bask in the ignorant bliss of love and engagement before our lives were torn apart. I wish February had more days than 28 so we could have lived in our ignorance a little longer. To commemorate this month of love I thought I would share our love story.
We met online, after seeing that I liked the movie "Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice" on my profile Mike sent me a message about how he just went to a Vanilla Ice concert. We wrote a few messages back and forth, it wasn't love a first write but he seemed like a good guy so I was interested in getting to know him. After basically forcing him to ask me out and waiting a couple of weeks (it wasn't love at first write for him either), we finally went on our first date. After our first date I realized I had no interest in Mike, he wasn't really my type and I didn't feel any sparks. Near the end of the date I was ready for it to be over but I had an experience that showed me I should at least give him a chance so I did. Our second date went much better and by the end of it I realized I did like this goofy, nerdy, manly man.
It took us two months of almost constant dating to realize we should become boyfriend and girlfriend. It only took us four more months to realize we should become engaged. When we first started dating we both agreed that couples should date for a year before deciding if they should make things more serious. But what you think should happen and what should really happen aren't always the same thing.....
At five months we both realized that we did love each other and that our relationship was definitely headed towards marriage but we both weren't ready for the next step. We were comfortable in our dating and wanted to really get to know each other before moving to the next step. Then the antsiness set in, things just weren't going right something seemed really off (not in our relationship but with things around us). After a particularly frustrating event of Mike not being able to fix his car yet again because of mysterious circumstances, I told him that something was off and that he needed to figure out what he needed to do to fix it. I realized this wasn't just a Mike problem so I told him I would pray too and hopefully we could figure out what was going on. To my surprise during my prayer I had the distinct impression that I "should not doddle in getting engaged" I found myself saying I wasn't ready to be engage and I was told "then get ready". How a prayer about a frustrating car problem turned into me not waiting to get engage I'm not sure. Maybe the Lord had to use a back door problem so he could sneak up on me without scaring me away. I was scared because I wasn't ready to make the next step but I knew what the Lord had told me and I knew I had to go on faith.
I feel that popping the question is definitely the boys responsibility (call me old fashioned) so I didn't know how I was supposed to tell the boy I was dating that we should not doddle in getting engaged. I was busy that weekend and would only see him for a short time so I decided I didn't need to figure that out just yet, I would wait until we would have more time together to figure out how to bring this up. Just as I arrived for my short visit with Mike I realized my rationalization to wait to tell him was not valid and that I needed to talk to him about my feelings as I prayed. If you can't talk about personal things with the man you are thinking of marrying someday you probably shouldn't marry him. I got up my courage and told him my experience he looked at me funny and said "I know I have felt that for awhile I was just waiting for you." I realized that I had let fear close me off from what the Lord was trying to tell me and that lucky for me he didn't give up on me, just like Mike he patiently waited for me to finally hear.
Following my promptings did not take my fears away or make me instantly ready to get engaged but I knew that it was important not to wait any longer so we moved forward with our plans. Mike didn't have money for a ring yet so he decided to make me one in the mean time. With ring in hand we made a very quick trip to Idaho so that Mike could ask my dad for his blessing. Mikes plan was for us to go to Idaho to talk to my dad then the next day he was going to take me snowshoeing and pop the question. Mike informed me of his whole plan, he was so excited he couldn't keep it to himself. I made fun of him for telling me how and when we were going to get engaged but that is just how Mike rolls. After talking to my dad, we headed back to Utah. On our way out of town Mike asked if we could stop at the Rexburg Temple so that he could get some of his nervous energy out before heading home. The request didn't seem that strange because we had stopped off at the temple last time we were headed out of town. Once there despite my protests we got out of the car on a frigid Idaho evening and walked around the temple. I did have a thought that maybe Mike had changed his mind and was going to ask me right then and there to marry him. I dismissed this because Mike did not vary from his plans once he made them so to my surprise he did vary from his original plan and stopped, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him. I said yes and he slipped the home made ring on my finger and just like that we were engaged. Luckily my family talked us into coming back to the house so they could see the ring so we were able to get pictures of that night.
One month later Mike was in his accident and everything changed for us. I can never describe or explain what it was like to have this happen, it is not an easy thing. There are so many scenarios and questions running through your head, you are thrust into making decisions that are way above your pay grade. Luckily I was not alone Mikes family and I joined in a team effort of care and decision making and with the help of the Lord we were able to decide what needed to happen and what we should be doing. I am so thankful that Mike and I listened to the Lord and got engaged before this happened. If we were not engaged I would have been an outsider through all of this and it would have definitely altered some of our decisions.
Mike and my love story did not end with the accident that is where it truly began. We were in the beginning stages of love when we decided to get married, we were no more in love than your average engaged couple. We did not possess the kind of love it required to get us through all that we have been through but lucky for us, love grows if you let it. At times the love I have for Mike floods over me like a mighty title wave at others it's more like a decision I make "I choose to love Mike". But through time our love has been forged into a beautiful seemingly unbreakable bond. Our love has been fortified through the deepest despairs, through murky black trials, through endless patients, through hope, through faith, through laughter, through tears, through understanding, through disappointments, through triumphs, through acceptance, through service, through dance parties, through hard work, through opposition, through support, and through the Lord.
Some people feel that I am wasting my life on Mike that I need to move on and leave him behind. All I can say is, how is walking beside the man you love more than anything through the darkest, hardest trial of his life wasting your life? What is life for but to love and be loved. And what is love if it is not sacrificing for the other person. I know for some the decisions I have made would not be right but for Michael and I we are on the path we need to be on. I would love it if our path were a different one but it is not so we will make the most of it together.
To Mikes friends and family I want you to know that Mike is loved more deeply than you can imagine. He does not walk alone through this trial. He may have lost a lot of things but he has not lost me, his love.
To my friends and family I want you to know that I am loved more deeply than you can imagine. I do not walk alone through this trial. I may not have the perfect life but I have my love Michael.
When if comes to news I usually like to get the bad news first so I'm going to talk about the bad things that have been going on lately, then if you're lucky my next post will be a little more uplifting. Michael has been in the ICU for the past 2 weeks. If you have read my earlier post you know how much I HATE the hospital, needless to say it's been a long hard stay.
A couple of weeks a go Michael had a seizure which happens now and then because of his injuries but this time it wouldn't stop. They has to call the paramedics and he was sent to the ER. They did get it to stop but by the time they did he has aspirated (breathed in foreign particles) which is very bad for you. He was having a tough time breathing and by the time I got there he was on a machine that was trying to push air into his lungs. He did not look well but there was a brief moment when he came to and looked at me with questioning scared eyes. I told him where he was and why he was there and he drifted back into unawareness.
Given my fear of hospitals and Mike it takes me a lot of courage to go walking into the ER and ask for him but I love Mike more than I fear hospitals so I have been able to concur some of this fear. Up until this point I have never had to face one of my ultimate fear which is Mike going back to the ICU. You can't imagine my terror when they told me Mike was going to be admitted into the ICU. I wish that my fear was more for Mike than myself but I can't say that it was at that point. After a few tears and a deep breaths I was prepared to put my big girl pants on and meet my ultimate fear head on. By this time my concern for Mike outweighed my fear for myself so it seemed doable. We spent the day watching the monitors and Mike wasn't improving, he was going down hill. Then that evening I had to face an even scarier fear than the ICU which is Mike having to be intubated again (put a tube down you throat so you can breath). Once intubated Michael's stats improved and he stabilized. Looking at Michael intubated and hooked up to all those monitors brought back so many memories. I couldn't believe we were back in the ICU while Mike fought for his life.
Needless to say it was a hard couple of weeks. After nine days they were able to extubate him, he didn't do as well as we all thought he would without the tub. Probably due to swelling caused by the tub in his throat for nine days but he made steady improvements. Lauri was on summer break so she was able to come and stay for a week and a half (what a great mom). Not a very fun vacation if you ask me but it was nice to have someone with him while I was a work.
Being in the hospital was rough for all of us and no one like to see there loved one struggling. It's especially hard because the people caring for Mike treated him like a second class citizen because he has head trauma. It's hard to watch people treat someone you love so much like he has no value or worth. Not everyone is like that but there is enough to make it the overall feeling. I won't go into specifics as to avoid becoming hurt and angry again but it does make me wonder how I treat other people. Do I ever dismiss someone because I don't see their worth? It's a hard question to ask yourself but knowing how it feels to be on the other side makes me want to always answer this question with a NO.
Michael is doing better everyday he is still not 100% yet but I think he will get there soon. He is now out of the "real" hospital and back at the care center. He still needs a little oxygen and is being monitored more closely for the next little while. He has this funny oxygen mask that looks like a white mustache, it has inspired Lauri and I to have Mike grow a real mustache. It's cool because it's a secret mustache, when he has his oxygen on you can't see it but take it off and ta-da mustache Mike. What do you think?
Being trapped in a care facility is no fun. There are fun things you can do but sometimes you just get cabin fever and you need to go out into the world. Leaving the facility is always a big deal and a major undertaking. We have to pay a transport company big bucks plus we are on their schedule which is mon. - fri. 8 to 5. What kind of fun can you have during those hours? Given these restrictions, outings are few and far between. But they do happen here is a list of all the non-medical related outings.
1. BYU Art Museum (Carl Bloch)
2. Movie (Source Code)
3. Baptism (my nephew Owen)
4. Movie (The Muppet Movie)
5. Bridal Veil Falls
6. Thanks Giving Point (the gardens)
Good times, but this is not true freedom just planned outings.
Sometimes the simplest thing can change your life ......
The other day I invited my sister and her husband over for a double date to add some interest into our mundane lives. My sister is always up for a good time and always brings the fun even if you are limited to a nursing home. We found a day that worked and then she said. "I think we should see if we can get Mike into your car I think with Stevens help (her husband) we could do it". This simple phrase got me thinking and imagining. I never thought of putting Mike into my car mainly because Mike is so big I didn't think he could squeeze in there with his limited movement, plus he is so big it would take a large person to try to maneuver him. I didn't dare imagine it could work but I was definitely up for trying it.
Soon the day arrived and I tried to contain my excitement for what we were about to try. I let Mike know what we were thinking of doing and he seemed a little apprehensive (I don't blame him). We practiced by moving him from his bed to his wheel chair with just man power. It worked smoothly and we decided not to waste our energy with more practicing and went straight for the car. It wasn't hard getting his bottom from his wheelchair to the car seat but my fears where confirmed when we tried to maneuver his legs into the car they were too long and unbendy. For a nano-second we thought of giving up but we had come too far we had to make this work. We did some more maneuvering (more explanation can be given upon request) and soon Michael was sitting in the passenger seat of my car. We had to leave his seat reclined a bit because it put strain on his long legs with it up right but he could see just fine.
Then we did something we hadn't done in more than three years, we went for a simple joy ride. We held hands as I drove up Provo canyon, we just drove and looked at the scenery. It seems so simple but it wasn't monumental for Michael and I. To be honest it made me cry. Michael was so happy and so was I we were on a high for the next three days.
Here we are on our joy ride, believe me it won't be our last.
Today is an anniversary and not the kind you want to think about or celebrate. Three years ago my life change forever when Michael was in his motorcycle accident. Thinking back to that day floods me with emotions and horrible memories but with time those emotions and memories are dulled more and more. It's amazing what a person can endure and overcome. If I had my choice I would go back to that day and change what happened but I can't so I try to appreciate what going through this has done for me and for Mike.
One of the major blessing of all of this has been the Love that Michael and I have developed for one another. I cannot begin to express how much I love that guy and I know he loves me too (especially after Valentine's Day). What a gift to be able to love and to be loved so much.
Another blessing is gratitude, in life we don't know that we should be grateful for something until we don't have it anymore then we realize what a gift so many things are. I guess it's called taking things for granted. I'm not saying I don't take many of my blessings for granted but my eyes have been opened to how many things there are to be grateful for. I appreciate simple things so much more than I did before and it's amazing how much joy simple things can bring you.
Some other blessing I have received through all of this are: Eternal perspective, tragedies force you to look at the bigger picture of what this life is all about. Family bonds, I have seen first hand how supported and loved I am by my family both immediate and extended, also I have gained the support and love of Michael's family as well and I love them all. Empathy, there is a difference between feeling bad for someone and having empathy for them, without our own tragedies it is hard to truly feel empathy for others tragedies. Strong testimony of Jesus Christ and his gospel, I have always had a testimony but it has grown immensely as I not only turn to the Lord but also trust in him. You cannot put a price on having a relationship with the Lord. These are not the only blessings I have received but they are all I will mention at this time.
Today as I laid next to Mike in the hospital I looked over at this cute picture of when Michael and I were dating I couldn't believe how young and full of life we looked. Then I turned and looked at my drooling fiance with his slightly crazy eye and his crooked smile, I couldn't see me but I'm sure I didn't look as sassy as I did in the picture. I realized how different we were from that couple in the picture not just physically but spiritually as well. This journey has not been easy and I don't want to pretend that I have not been devastated at times. It's just that with all the bad, there has been good. We may be different than we were 3 years ago but most of the differences are good ones.
Valentines Day is not my favorite holiday if fact it seems ridiculous and highly over rated. Maybe I'm bitter from years of not having a Valentines. When you're single on Valentines all the couples of the world banish you to a night at home watching bad reruns on t.v. while they fill all the restaurants and entertainment venues with their attempts at proving their love for one another. Now that I have a Valentines I feel that I'm being bossed around by Valentines Day but you must obey.
This year I decided that to celebrate Valentines I was going to do nothing. Well not nothing, nothing, I was going to go hang out with Mike, wish him a happy Valentines day, and watch the Big Bang Theory with him. But my plans were ruined (in a good way) .......
When I first got to Mike's room I was greeted with a closed door and a sign written on the mirror:
For those who can't read this it say
"Please don't go into Mike's room yet, get Sam or Olivia please"
I obeyed the sign hoping there was a good surprise and not a bad surprise behind the door. As I was talking to the nurse Sam about the sign an excited CNA named Olivia takes me back to Mike's room. She disappears inside for just a moment then opens the door and let's me in. There was gentle music playing in the background and Mike's room was decorated for the holiday by the CNAs.
Mike was dressed in his date jeans and dress shirt, he was so excited that he was part of doing something for me. It was so sweet of the CNAs to help Mike with Valentines Day. I have to admit I liked it. All of this Valentines decor was great but it paled in comparison to the gift Michael gave me.
BEST VALENTINES GIFT EVER: After complimenting Mike on his Valentines surprise he kept trying to talk to me. I could tell he was trying to say "I Love You" but it wasn't understandable. I told him I knew he was trying to say I love you but I didn't quite understand it. He kept trying and the next thing I know he says "I" then I could tell he was trying to say a word that starts with L he was making the la la la sound but couldn't get the rest out. I was really impressed, he was really trying hard and I acknowledged that I knew what he was trying to do and how great he was doing. Then after a couple more attempts I heard "I Love....aaarrrraaaaarrrAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAARRR!!" I couldn't believe it I haven't heard Micheal speak a true word I could understand in almost 3 years and the first words I hear is "I love". He couldn't say you and the more he tried the more frustrated he got so in just he kept getting louder and louder. It didn't matter to me he had said enough and it might have been enough to change my view of Valentines day forever.
My fiance told me "I Love ARRAAAAAARRAA!" for Valentines Day what did you get?
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