Deja vu all over again

July 2013

When if comes to news I usually like to get the bad news first so I'm going to talk about the bad things that have been going on lately, then if you're lucky my next post will be a little more uplifting.  Michael has been in the ICU for the past 2 weeks.  If you have read my earlier post you know how much I HATE the hospital, needless to say it's been a long hard stay.

A couple of weeks a go Michael had a seizure which happens now and then because of his injuries but this time it wouldn't stop.  They has to call the paramedics and he was sent to the ER.  They did get it to stop but by the time they did he has aspirated (breathed in foreign particles) which is very bad for you.  He was having a tough time breathing and by the time I got there he was on a machine that was trying to push air into his lungs.  He did not look well but there was a brief moment when he came to and looked at me with questioning scared eyes.  I told him where he was and why he was there and he drifted back into unawareness.

Given my fear of hospitals and Mike it takes me a lot of courage to go walking into the ER and ask for him but I love Mike more than I fear hospitals so I have been able to concur some of this fear.  Up until this point I have never had to face one of  my ultimate fear which is Mike going back to the ICU.  You can't imagine my terror when they told me Mike was going to be admitted into the ICU.  I wish that my fear was more for Mike than myself but I can't say that it was at that point.  After a few tears and a deep breaths I was prepared to put my big girl pants on and meet my ultimate fear head on.  By this time my concern for Mike outweighed my fear for myself so it seemed doable. We spent the day watching the monitors and Mike wasn't improving, he was going down hill.  Then that evening I had to face an even scarier fear than the ICU which is Mike having to be intubated again (put a tube down you throat so you can breath).  Once intubated Michael's stats improved and he stabilized.  Looking at Michael intubated and hooked up to all those monitors brought back so many memories. I couldn't believe we were back in the ICU while Mike fought for his life.

Needless to say it was a hard couple of weeks.  After nine days they were able to extubate him, he didn't do as well as we all thought he would without the tub.  Probably due to swelling caused by the tub in his throat for nine days but he made steady improvements. Lauri was on summer break so she was able to come and stay for a week and a half (what a great mom).  Not a very fun vacation if you ask me but it was nice to have someone with him while I was a work.  

Being in the hospital was rough for all of us and no one like to see there loved one struggling.  It's especially hard because the people caring for Mike treated him like a second class citizen because he has head trauma.  It's hard to watch people treat someone you love so much like he has no value or worth.  Not everyone is like that but there is enough to make it the overall feeling.  I won't go into specifics as to avoid becoming hurt and angry again but it does make me wonder how I treat other people.  Do I ever dismiss someone because I don't see their worth?  It's a hard question to ask yourself but knowing how it feels to be on the other side makes me want to always answer this question with a NO.  

Michael is doing better everyday he is still not 100% yet but I think he will get there soon.  He is now out of the "real" hospital and back at the care center.  He still needs a little oxygen and is being monitored more closely for the next little while. He has this funny oxygen mask that looks like a white mustache, it has inspired Lauri and I to have Mike grow a real mustache.  It's cool because it's a secret mustache, when he has his oxygen on you can't see it but take it off and ta-da mustache Mike.  What do you think?

Joy Riding

(May 2013)

Being trapped in a care facility is no fun.  There are fun things you can do but sometimes you just get cabin fever and you need to go out into the world.  Leaving the facility is always a big deal and a major undertaking.  We have to pay a transport company big bucks plus we are on their schedule which is mon. - fri. 8 to 5.  What kind of fun can you have during those hours?  Given these restrictions, outings are few and far between.  But they do happen here is a list of all the non-medical related outings.

1. BYU Art Museum (Carl Bloch)

2. Movie (Source Code)

3. Baptism (my nephew Owen)

4. Movie (The Muppet Movie)

5. Bridal Veil Falls

6. Thanks Giving Point (the gardens)

Good times, but this is not true freedom just planned outings. 

Sometimes the simplest thing can change your life ...... 
The other day I invited my sister and her husband over for a double date to add some interest into our mundane lives.  My sister is always up for a good time and always brings the fun even if you are limited to a nursing home.  We found a day that worked and then she said.  "I think we should see if we can get Mike into your car I think with Stevens help (her husband) we could do it".  This simple phrase got me thinking and imagining. I never thought of putting Mike into my car mainly because Mike is so big I didn't think he could squeeze in there with his limited movement, plus he is so big it would take a large person to try to maneuver him.  I didn't dare imagine it could work but I was definitely up for trying it. 

Soon the day arrived and I tried to contain my excitement for what we were about to try.  I let Mike know what we were thinking of doing and he seemed a little apprehensive (I don't blame him).  We practiced by moving him from his bed to his wheel chair with just man power.  It worked smoothly and we decided not to waste our energy with more practicing and went straight for the car.  It wasn't hard getting his bottom from his wheelchair to the car seat but my fears where confirmed when we tried to maneuver his legs into the car they were too long and unbendy.  For a nano-second we thought of giving up but we had come too far we had to make this work.  We did some more maneuvering (more explanation can be given upon request) and soon Michael was sitting in the passenger seat of my car.  We had to leave his seat reclined a bit because it put strain on his long legs with it up right but he could see just fine. 

Then we did something we hadn't done in more than three years, we went for a simple joy ride.  We held hands as I drove up Provo canyon, we just drove and looked at the scenery.  It seems so simple but it wasn't monumental for Michael and I.  To be honest it made me cry.  Michael was so happy and so was I we were on a high for the next three days.

Here we are on our joy ride, believe me it won't be our last.

Three Years

(March 2013)

Today is an anniversary and not the kind you want to think about or celebrate.  Three years ago my life change forever when Michael was in his motorcycle accident.  Thinking back to that day floods me with emotions and horrible memories but with time those emotions and memories are dulled more and more.  It's amazing what a person can endure and overcome. If I had my choice I would go back to that day and change what happened but I can't so I try to appreciate what going through this has done for me and for Mike.

One of the major blessing of all of this has been the Love that Michael and I have developed for one another.  I cannot begin to express how much I love that guy and I know he loves me too (especially after Valentine's Day).  What a gift to be able to love and to be loved so much.

Another blessing is gratitude, in life we don't know that we should be grateful for something until we don't have it anymore then we realize what a gift so many things are.  I guess it's called taking things for granted.  I'm not saying I don't take many of my blessings for granted but my eyes have been opened to how many things there are to be grateful for.  I appreciate simple things so much more than I did before and it's amazing how much joy simple things can bring you.

Some other blessing I have received through all of this are: Eternal perspective, tragedies force you to look at the bigger picture of what this life is all about. Family bonds, I have seen first hand how supported and loved I am by my family both immediate and extended, also I have gained the support and love of Michael's family as well and I love them all. Empathy, there is a difference between feeling bad for someone and having empathy for them, without our own tragedies it is hard to truly feel empathy for others tragedies.  Strong testimony of Jesus Christ and his gospel, I have always had a testimony but it has grown immensely as I not only turn to the Lord but also trust in him. You cannot put a price on having a relationship with the Lord.  These are not the only blessings I have received but they are all I will mention at this time.

Today as I laid next to Mike in the hospital I looked over at this cute picture of when Michael and I were dating I couldn't believe how young and full of life we looked.  Then I turned and looked at my drooling fiance with his slightly crazy eye and his crooked smile, I couldn't see me but I'm sure I didn't look as sassy as I did in the picture.  I realized how different we were from that couple in the picture not just physically but spiritually as well.  This journey has not been easy and I don't want to pretend that I have not been devastated at times.  It's just that with all the bad, there has been good. We may be different than we were 3 years ago but most of the differences are good ones.

My Valentine = Super Cute

(Feb 2013)

Valentines Day is not my favorite holiday if fact it seems ridiculous and highly over rated. Maybe I'm bitter from years of not having a Valentines.  When you're single on Valentines all the couples of the world banish you to a night at home watching bad reruns on t.v. while they fill all the restaurants and entertainment venues with their attempts at proving their love for one another. Now that I have a Valentines I feel that I'm being bossed around by Valentines Day but you must obey.

This year I decided that to celebrate Valentines I was going to do nothing. Well not nothing, nothing, I was going to go hang out with Mike, wish him a happy Valentines day, and watch the Big Bang Theory with him.  But my plans were ruined (in a good way) .......

When I first got to Mike's room I was greeted with a closed door and a sign written on the mirror:

For those who can't read this it say

"Please don't go into Mike's room yet, get Sam or Olivia please"

 



I obeyed the sign hoping there was a good surprise and not a bad surprise behind the door.  As I was talking to the nurse Sam about the sign an excited CNA named Olivia takes me back to Mike's room.  She disappears inside for just a moment then opens the door and let's me in. There was gentle music playing in the background and Mike's room was decorated for the holiday by the CNAs.

 

 

 



Mike was dressed in his date jeans and dress shirt, he was so excited that he was part of doing something for me.  It was so sweet of the CNAs to help Mike with Valentines Day.  I have to admit I liked it.  All of this Valentines decor was great but it paled in comparison to the gift Michael gave me. 

 

BEST VALENTINES GIFT EVER:  After complimenting Mike on his Valentines surprise he kept trying to talk to me.  I could tell he was trying to say "I Love You" but it wasn't understandable. I told him I knew he was trying to say I love you but I didn't quite understand it.  He kept trying and the next thing I know he says "I" then I could tell he was trying to say a word that starts with L he was making the la la la sound but couldn't get the rest out.  I was really impressed, he was really trying hard and I acknowledged that I knew what he was trying to do and how great he was doing.  Then after a couple more attempts I heard "I Love....aaarrrraaaaarrrAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAARRR!!"  I couldn't believe it I haven't heard Micheal speak a true word I could understand in almost 3 years and the first words I hear is "I love".  He couldn't say you and the more he tried the more frustrated he got so in just he kept getting louder and louder.  It didn't matter to me he had said enough and it might have been enough to change my view of Valentines day forever.

 

My fiance told me "I Love ARRAAAAAARRAA!"  for Valentines Day what did you get?

 

 

A Trip to the ER

(Jan 2013)

 

Mike and I had the fun experience of spending the week at the hospital (the real hospital).  It all started with a trip to the ER and ended four days later when we were allowed to leave. Bellow are pictures from the ER as we were waiting to be admitted.  The one of us is kind of blurry which seems to capture how we were feeling.  We discovered that Mike had a bowel impaction due to his less than active life style.  His stay wasn't pleasant but he is feeling much better now, it's like he is a new man. 

 

 

 

Having to go to the ER is always dramatic but it also comes with the added stress of all the horrible memories of when we were there the day of his accident.  After leaving the hospital a month after Mikes accident, the thought of ever having to return was more than I could bare.  In fact, walking into any hospital cause me extreme anxiety. I guess after a traumatic event something breaks inside of you and takes a while to heal. 

 

I know I can't avoid hospitals for the rest of my life so when I am required to go to one I just take deep breaths and pretend like I'm not a crazy person.  But when it comes to Mike having to go to the hospital the stakes are raised considerably.  Luckily I have only been back to the hospital twice with Mike, once for pneumonia and this last time.  I am getting better at it as time goes on.  I can now go to any hospital (besides the one Mike was in) with ease and going to the ER with Mike may be extremely uncomfortable but I handle it better than before. 

 

Hospitals aren't my only phobia sense the accident I also have a phobia of talking to any doctor, seeing Mike's trauma doctors, family meetings, seeing an accident, going to weddings, and unwanted advice.  Like my hospital phobia, I do face them head on when I need to and they are getting better.  The only one I'm not doing well with is unwanted advice, it's amazing what people will say to you and how it can still affect me. I don't know if this is a phobia or just rude either way I'm not getting over this one so just keep it to yourself.

Tis the Season

(Dec 2012)

This year Mike and I were able to spend our first Christmas just the two of us. I didn't have to work on Christmas eve so I went down early for a Christmas movie marathon. We like to party hard so we went crazy and opened our Christmas eve presents from Lauri early.  Luckily they weren't just pjs, they were rivalry pjs (I'm a Ute Mike's a cougar) so we were able to get cozy for the movie.  We didn't want to do the same old, same old, so Mike sat in the recliner and I sat either next to him or on him. Here we are watching our Christmas eve movies.

 

 

 

Mike got a little cold so I put a snuggy on him and then promptly took a picture (he he he).  Poor Mike he has no control on his dress or what pictures I choose to post.  On the bright side, doesn't he look adorable?

 

 

In the middle of our movie watching we took a break to watch a skyped nativity scene put on by my sister and her family.  It was excellent and Mike gave it an enthusiastic thumbs up. 

 

I left Mike's late and came back early to open presents, I made sure we were both still in our pjs. Here are some highlights of our spoils:

 

Star Wars shirt to help embrace his inner nerd

 

Cool coat for me so I can be both stylish and warm

(Sorry it was to hard to do a self portrait in it)

Hobbit feet slippers for Mike to keep his feet toasty warm

A Betta fish named Franklin to keep Mike company when I'm not there

Thanks Jeff and Olivia!

 

A cool button that Mike can push to communicate.

Any message can be recorded and he pushes the button to say it. 

 

I was also able to spend some time with my brother and his family in the afternoon.  His two younger boys insisted on coming back with me to see Mike so they could play the Wii with him.  It was fun to have some kids as part of our Christmas festivities. 

 

All in all it was a great Christmas.