(March 2010)
The day after the accident, I headed back to the hospital after a fitful night sleep. It was early and I was anxious to see Michael. As I entered the ICU Mike's nurse Cindy was doing her nursely duties, she saw me and announced my arrival to Mike who was just laying there in a coma. She was standing by him and asked if he wanted to see me as she pulled his eyelids open so he could see me. As I looked in his eyes all I could see was Mike smiling at me with his big Michael grin. It took me back to see him smiling so happy to see me, I took a second look and realized that he wasn't smiling he was just laying there with his eyes propped open. It was kind of a funny sight, Mike's nurse holding his eye lids open while I say good morning. I realized that as I looked into his eyes I could see more than just his physical form. A couple of weeks after the accident Mike started opening his eye, it started as just a slit and every day got wider and wider. I loved looking into his eye because I could see Mike and his mood.
I have heard the saying "The eyes are the window to the soul" many time in my life but I always thought it was a trick people used to guilt you into telling them the truth as they looked into your eyes. Now I know differently. From the very first day when I saw Mike smiling at me through his eyes, to the days when I would peek into his slightly open eyes and saw "him", to today when most of our conversations involve us just looking each other in the eyes. It is amazing what I can see in Mike's eyes, he has a beautiful soul (or should I say handsome?). I'm sure people have wondered many times what was going on as they have walked by Mike's room and heard me laugh as I look at him. Just know I'm not laughing at him I'm laughing with him.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The Hand Squeeze of Death
(March 2010)
Michael spent 2 weeks in the ICU he was connected so many monitors and machines to help him live it was hard to even get close to him. The monitors tracked every vital sign known to man, I didn't know there were so many things to track on a human body. I would sit on a hard folding chair next to his bed and put my hand on his arm it all I could really do. It didn't take long to know what each machine did and what all the numbers and beeps meant. If Mikes vitals got to out of whack alarms would sound until they went back to acceptable numbers. Today it's weird to think about how fragile Michael was at that time.
One day we had yet another disappointing talk with the Dr. he told us about the injury to Mike's brain stem and what that meant. I still don't understand completely but I'm not a neurologist. The main thing I understood is that injuries would cause Mike to only have the use of the brain stem which lets you breath and your heart to beat and your body to do all the automatic things your body does but that is all. I guess the non-technical term is vegetable. He said there was the slimmest of chances that there could be signals that could get past the injured part of the brain stem and he would have use of his actual brain (I know a real Dr. is rolling over in his grave with my explanation but I graduated from the U of U so what do you expect).
I couldn't believe that Michael was trapped in a non-existing state, I could feel him so strongly it didn't seem possible that he was just a heart beat. I needed him to do more than have a heart beat and kind of breath so I stood by his side and took his hand. I told him he needed to squeeze my hand that he had to try with all his might. I squeezed his hand then asked him to squeeze mine. I did this a couple of times and on the third attempt after I squeezed his hand he squeezed my hand back. The effort was so great that suddenly all the machines were going crazy with alarms. First I was scared that my request killed him I took a step back from him as the nurse rushed in to see what the matter was. Things settled down and Mike went back to just trying to breath. This event stunned and amazed me so much I didn't tell anyone what had happened.
This encounter told me two things, first Mike was in there and could hear me and respond hence not just a brain stem (vegetable), second it took Mike all his strength and energy just to squeeze my hand (it almost killed him) so this was going to be a hard road. At the time I knew the Doctors wouldn't believe me if I told them what had happened, (I am the desperate Fiance remember) and if they did believe me they out chalk it up to some automatic response or say it was nothing. I knew this was a significant event and I didn't need a Dr. to tell me that it was or wasn't so I kept it to myself. As time has gone on I was right Mikes hand squeeze of death was significant and one of the first signs of him coming back.
Michael spent 2 weeks in the ICU he was connected so many monitors and machines to help him live it was hard to even get close to him. The monitors tracked every vital sign known to man, I didn't know there were so many things to track on a human body. I would sit on a hard folding chair next to his bed and put my hand on his arm it all I could really do. It didn't take long to know what each machine did and what all the numbers and beeps meant. If Mikes vitals got to out of whack alarms would sound until they went back to acceptable numbers. Today it's weird to think about how fragile Michael was at that time.
One day we had yet another disappointing talk with the Dr. he told us about the injury to Mike's brain stem and what that meant. I still don't understand completely but I'm not a neurologist. The main thing I understood is that injuries would cause Mike to only have the use of the brain stem which lets you breath and your heart to beat and your body to do all the automatic things your body does but that is all. I guess the non-technical term is vegetable. He said there was the slimmest of chances that there could be signals that could get past the injured part of the brain stem and he would have use of his actual brain (I know a real Dr. is rolling over in his grave with my explanation but I graduated from the U of U so what do you expect).
I couldn't believe that Michael was trapped in a non-existing state, I could feel him so strongly it didn't seem possible that he was just a heart beat. I needed him to do more than have a heart beat and kind of breath so I stood by his side and took his hand. I told him he needed to squeeze my hand that he had to try with all his might. I squeezed his hand then asked him to squeeze mine. I did this a couple of times and on the third attempt after I squeezed his hand he squeezed my hand back. The effort was so great that suddenly all the machines were going crazy with alarms. First I was scared that my request killed him I took a step back from him as the nurse rushed in to see what the matter was. Things settled down and Mike went back to just trying to breath. This event stunned and amazed me so much I didn't tell anyone what had happened.
This encounter told me two things, first Mike was in there and could hear me and respond hence not just a brain stem (vegetable), second it took Mike all his strength and energy just to squeeze my hand (it almost killed him) so this was going to be a hard road. At the time I knew the Doctors wouldn't believe me if I told them what had happened, (I am the desperate Fiance remember) and if they did believe me they out chalk it up to some automatic response or say it was nothing. I knew this was a significant event and I didn't need a Dr. to tell me that it was or wasn't so I kept it to myself. As time has gone on I was right Mikes hand squeeze of death was significant and one of the first signs of him coming back.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Halloween Part III
(October 2012)
Although Mike and I were dating during the Halloween season before his accident, I was out of the country at the time. (I left Mike to fend for himself while my friend and I went on an epic trip to Costa Rica). So I never really learned what kind of a Halloween person Mike is, unfortunately for him I'm in charge now (insert evil laugh here bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha). Our first Halloween I wasn't about to ignore it. We have so little variety in our lives so I decided we needed to dress up. Mikes mom was in town so I forced her to join us. I was Little Red Ridding Hood, Mike was a tough Biker, and Lauri was a Cowgirl (she kept her costume on long enough to take this picture). Mike loved putting on his chaps and feeling more normal. We had the CNAs and nurses come trick-or-treating and they loved Mikes costume.
The next year (2011) I felt like we needed to have a little more fun than we did the year before so we had a dance party. My sister Katie helped me and we invite some friends over to partay. I felt like we needed a "couples costume" so I found what I thought was a perfect costume.....Nerds. When Mike saw what I was about to make him wear he gave me this "don't you dare look". I made me laugh but it didn't stop me. He got over it until his friend showed up in a manly Indian Jones costume. I could tell he was jealous that his friend didn't have pushy fiance, but we did we had a great time.
Although Mike and I were dating during the Halloween season before his accident, I was out of the country at the time. (I left Mike to fend for himself while my friend and I went on an epic trip to Costa Rica). So I never really learned what kind of a Halloween person Mike is, unfortunately for him I'm in charge now (insert evil laugh here bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha). Our first Halloween I wasn't about to ignore it. We have so little variety in our lives so I decided we needed to dress up. Mikes mom was in town so I forced her to join us. I was Little Red Ridding Hood, Mike was a tough Biker, and Lauri was a Cowgirl (she kept her costume on long enough to take this picture). Mike loved putting on his chaps and feeling more normal. We had the CNAs and nurses come trick-or-treating and they loved Mikes costume.
The next year (2011) I felt like we needed to have a little more fun than we did the year before so we had a dance party. My sister Katie helped me and we invite some friends over to partay. I felt like we needed a "couples costume" so I found what I thought was a perfect costume.....Nerds. When Mike saw what I was about to make him wear he gave me this "don't you dare look". I made me laugh but it didn't stop me. He got over it until his friend showed up in a manly Indian Jones costume. I could tell he was jealous that his friend didn't have pushy fiance, but we did we had a great time.
This year I felt I owed it to Mike to have a more equal say in our Halloween costume. I thought about it all year and finally it was Halloween and we still didn't have costumes. I almost threw in the towel but I couldn't let Mike down. I work well under pressure, so I figured out what to do and ran to DI to get the needed costume supplies. My good friend Carey and her husband Robert came by for a scary movie and brought there cute 2 month old son Slate. They were all dressed as bandits and Slate was the cutest one (no offence Carey). Luckily we were also dressed in totally awesome costumes so we fit in and Slate was totally impressed and so was Mike. I can now take back by best fiance title.
So with no further ado I bring to you our costumes from a galaxy far far away.......
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