The Eyes Are the Window to the Soul

(March 2010)

The day after the accident, I headed back to the hospital after a fitful night sleep.  It was early and I was anxious to see Michael.  As I entered the ICU Mike's nurse Cindy was doing her nursely duties, she saw me and announced my arrival to Mike who was just laying there in a coma.  She was standing by him and asked if he wanted to see me as she pulled his eyelids open so he could see me. As I looked in his eyes all I could see was Mike smiling at me with his big Michael grin. It took me back to see him smiling so happy to see me, I took a second look and realized that he wasn't smiling he was just laying there with his eyes propped open. It was kind of a funny sight, Mike's nurse holding his eye lids open while I say good morning. I realized that as I looked into his eyes I could see more than just his physical form.  A couple of weeks after the accident Mike started opening his eye, it started as just a slit and every day got wider and wider.  I loved looking into his eye because I could see Mike and his mood.

I have heard the saying "The eyes are the window to the soul" many time in my life but I always thought it was a trick people used to guilt you into telling them the truth as they looked into your eyes.  Now I know differently. From the very first day when I saw Mike smiling at me through his eyes, to the days when I would peek into his slightly open eyes and saw "him", to today when most of our conversations involve us just looking each other in the eyes.  It is amazing what I can see in Mike's eyes, he has a beautiful soul (or should I say handsome?).  I'm sure people have wondered many times what was going on as they have walked by Mike's room and heard me laugh as I look at him.  Just know I'm not laughing at him I'm laughing with him.

The Hand Squeeze of Death

(March 2010)

Michael spent 2 weeks in the ICU he was connected so many monitors and machines to help him live it was hard to even get close to him.  The monitors tracked every vital sign known to man, I didn't know there were so many things to track on a human body.  I would sit on a hard folding chair next to his bed and put my hand on his arm it all I could really do.  It didn't take long to know what each machine did and what all the numbers and beeps meant.   If Mikes vitals got to out of whack alarms would sound until they went back to acceptable numbers.  Today it's weird to think about how fragile Michael was at that time.

One day we had yet another disappointing talk with the Dr.  he told us about the injury to Mike's brain stem and what that meant.  I still don't understand completely but I'm not a neurologist.  The main thing I understood is that injuries would cause Mike to only have the use of the brain stem which lets you breath and your heart to beat and your body to do all the automatic things your body does but that is all.  I guess the non-technical term is vegetable.  He said there was the slimmest of chances that there could be signals that could get past the injured part of the brain stem and he would have use of his actual brain (I know a real Dr. is rolling over in his grave with my explanation but I graduated from the U of U so what do you expect). 

I couldn't believe that Michael was trapped in a non-existing state, I could feel him so strongly it didn't seem possible that he was just a heart beat.  I needed him to do more than have a heart beat and kind of breath so I stood by his side and took his hand.  I told him he needed to squeeze my hand that he had to try with all his might.  I squeezed his hand then asked him to squeeze mine.  I did this a couple of times and on the third attempt after I squeezed his hand he squeezed my hand back.  The effort was so great that suddenly all the machines were going crazy with alarms.  First I was scared that my request killed him I took a step back from him as the nurse rushed in to see what the matter was.  Things settled down and Mike went back to just trying to breath.  This event stunned and amazed me so much I didn't tell anyone what had happened. 

This encounter told me two things, first Mike was in there and could hear me and respond hence not just a brain stem (vegetable), second it took Mike all his strength and energy just to squeeze my hand (it almost killed him) so this was going to be a hard road.  At the time I knew the Doctors wouldn't believe me if I told them what had happened, (I am the desperate Fiance remember) and if they did believe me they out chalk it up to some automatic response or say it was nothing.  I knew this was a significant event and I didn't need a Dr. to tell me that it was or wasn't so I kept it to myself.  As time has gone on I was right Mikes hand squeeze of death was significant and one of the first signs of him coming back.

Halloween Part III

(October 2012)

Although Mike and I were dating during the Halloween season before his accident, I was out of the country at the time. (I left Mike to fend for himself while my friend and I went on an epic trip to Costa Rica).  So I never really learned what kind of a Halloween person Mike is, unfortunately for him I'm in charge now (insert evil laugh here bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha).  Our first Halloween I wasn't about to ignore it.  We have so little variety in our lives so I decided we needed to dress up.  Mikes mom was in town so I forced her to join us. I was Little Red Ridding Hood, Mike was a tough Biker, and Lauri was a Cowgirl (she kept her costume on long enough to take this picture).  Mike loved putting on his chaps and feeling more normal.  We had the CNAs and nurses come trick-or-treating and they loved Mikes costume.

The next year (2011) I felt like we needed to have a little more fun than we did the year before so we had a dance party.  My sister Katie helped me and we invite some friends over to partay.  I felt like we needed a "couples costume" so I found what I thought was a perfect costume.....Nerds.  When Mike saw what I was about to make him wear he gave me this "don't you dare look".  I made me laugh but it didn't stop me.  He got over it until his friend showed up in a manly Indian Jones costume. I could tell he was jealous that his friend didn't have pushy fiance, but we did we had a great time. 

 

This year I felt I owed it to Mike to have a more equal say in our Halloween costume.  I thought about it all year and finally it was Halloween and we still didn't have costumes.  I almost threw in the towel but I couldn't let Mike down.  I work well under pressure, so I figured out what to do and ran to DI to get the needed costume supplies.  My good friend Carey and her husband Robert came by for a scary movie and brought there cute 2 month old son Slate.  They were all dressed as bandits and Slate was the cutest one (no offence Carey).  Luckily we were also dressed in totally awesome costumes so we fit in and Slate was totally impressed and so was Mike.  I can now take back by best fiance title.

 

So with no further ado I bring to you our costumes from a galaxy far far away.......

 

 

 

 

 



A Man's Weekend

(October 2012)

This weekend Michael was able to add some much needed points on his "Man Card".  It all started Friday evening when I got to the hospital a little earlier than usual.  It was such a nice evening so Mike talked me into taking him outside.  It wasn't hard, he just gave me a thumbs us when I asked if he wanted to go. I grabbed his football, went outside, and then had an epic game of catch.  Mike has been able to catch his football for quite some time but Friday he definitely took it up a notch. He caught almost everything I tossed to him and from a much farther distance and then he would toss the ball back to me.  I was shocked at what he was able to do. Now before you get images of Mike grabbing the football and throwing it back it's not quite like that.  He can't use his hand to grab the football, so he moves it to the crook of his arm and pops it over to me.  I would laugh and Mike would smile it was really fun.

After the game of catch, we went back in to get ready to watch the BYU game.  Luckily for Mike his friend Sean comes and watches the games with him, Mike needs all the male bonding he can get.  As we were waiting, I turned the TV to a super girly show which Mike did not like.  He finally got sick of it and grabbed the remote and moved it up to his eyes to try to figure out which buttons to push to make the girliness stop.  He couldn't quite figure it out so I told him I would change the channel for him if he would give me the remote.  He handed it over RIGHT AWAY, I don't usually make him watch my shows so I thought he was totally over reacting.  I did have mercy on him and turned it to a more natural show.  Soon his friend came and the game started so I left him to enjoy some man time. 

Saturday the manliness continues with another game of catch between sessions of LDS General Conference.  Mike did even move amazing than the day before I was so proud of him.  Later that evening my nephews came by so we decided to have a mini football game with Mike.

The rules of the game:
1. The football is tossed to Mike
2. Mike hikes the ball it to his teammate
3. The teammate runs and touches the fence before being tagged by the rest of us. 

It was really fun and after playing for a while I finally thought to record what was going on.  I don't know if Mike suddenly got tired or was camera shy but he totally clammed up (this isn't the firs time). 

The best, most manly part of the weekend was that Michael attended the priesthood session of conference.  He has not been able to attend for the past two years.  I got Mike dressed really nice and then his friend Sean came to get him.  He walked him to a chapel that was just a couple of blocks away.  Mike stayed awake and alert for the whole session and really enjoyed it (reported to me by his friend).  I love that Mike could do this. The weekend ended with another manly activity, Mike basically napped all of Sunday.

This is the video of Mike playing football with the nephews.  He was already dressed for the priesthood session that is why he is so fancy.  He did way better than this but this will give you and idea of what he does and how nice he looked for priesthood.

Ice Ice Baby

(Sept 2012)

 

"When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it...just add ice" 

This is not just the best quote of all times it's the tag line to the critically acclaimed movie Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice.  If you haven't seen this movie you are missing out.  The movie was made in the height of Vanilla Ice's fame, circa 1991.You may think that Vanilla Ice wasn't popular long enough to make a movie but you would be wrong.  I'm sure the fact that the movie couldn't have taken longer to make than two weeks helps with the time table.  I love this movie, it's so bad it's good and it has the best one liners ever like "yo yo Kat, drop that zero and get with the hero" or "lookie lookie lookie in Kat's black bookie".  Not only is this a great movie but it also helped Mike and I get together.  I love Vanilla Ice Cool as Ice and Mike went to a Vanilla Ice concert so it was the first connection we made (thanks Vanilla).

Last week I turned my love of Vanilla Ice into a fun double date.  Actually I can't take the credit it was my cousin Pearl's idea.  She called me a few weeks ago and suggested we have a Vanilla Ice viewing double date and of course I jumped all over that idea.  So last week Pearl and her husband Mat and Mike and I got together to PARTY.  I had to bring a VCR to watch the movie because it's only available on VHS (I actually own the movie) but it was worth it.

We made homemade vanilla ice cream (get it? hmmm?)

We ate ice cream, popped (or should I say burned) popcorn. 

 

 

Then watched the movie, all in all it was a fun evening.

 

I like doing double dates, it adds interest to our lives, so if anyone is interested in a fun filled evening at a nursing home let me know. Trust me, you don't know fun until you hang with Mike and me.

 

 

My Wedding Day

(May 1, 2010)

The day I was going to get married.......

Expectation:

 

 

Reality:

 

I could leave the post like this but there was so much more that happened that day.  To start off my wedding day turned from a day I was looking forward to to a day I was dreading.  I didn't know how I was going to handle the reality of that day, but soon the day was upon me.  There was both good and bad about the day, it was full of contrasts between expectations and reality.

 

Expectation:

Prior to our wedding Mike and I would go to the courthouse to get a marriage license.

 

Reality:

The day before my wedding day Lauri and I went to the Court House so that she could become Michael's ward.  She had to have a lawyer and so did Mike but for some reason Lauri had to pay for both (go figure).  The lawyer presented to the judge that Michael was a completely invalid and that the only thing he could do was open one eye.  I was about to object because Michael could open both eyes but I decided to keep my mouth shut.  Mikes lawyer didn't object and the next thing you know Lauri took control over Michael's life.

 

 

Expectation:

A wedding breakfast with family and friends.

 

Reality:

A not getting married breakfast with family and friends.  My mother and sisters organized special events for me to help me through the day  They started by inviting close friends and family over to my place for a fantastic breakfast. It was very good and I enjoyed all the support. My mom cooks a mean breakfast so it was perfect.

 

 

Expectation:

Michael and I would go to the Salt Lake Temple and be sealed together for time and eternity

 

Reality:

I went to the hospital to spend the day with Michael.

 

 

Expectation:

There would be a big party to celebrate our wedding with those I love the most.

 

Reality:

My sisters, mother, sister-in-laws, and some cousins banded together to give my bedroom a much needed makeover.  They all chipped in and went shopping together to renovate my room.  They had a great time picking things out and somehow with all those opinions didn't have a hard time agreeing.  They had time to shop and decorate my room with some help from Lauri.  This was such a wonderful gesture I really liked my room but I loved that they all had such a good time together doing this for me.

 

 

Expectation:

Mike and I would decide where we would live together.

 

Reality:

On the day I was going to get married we HAD to find a nursing home for Mike to go to.  He wasn't able to stay at the hospital anymore and needed a new place to go.  The thought of having to send him to a nursing home was overwhelming and Lauri didn't want me to have to deal with it on my wedding day so she went alone to find a place.  This was not a pleasant experience for her to say the least but she did it alone for me (what a great future mother-in-law). 

 

 

Expectation:

Mike and I would drive off to our honeymoon after the reception.

 

Reality:

On my way home from the hospital I ran over this crazy nail and got a flat tire in the rain.

 

 

Expectation:

We would go to some fancy schmancy hotel to spend the night.

 

Reality:

When I got home my room was redecorated with all the cute things my family had gotten earlier that day.  My room was supper cute and I loved it.  It was fun having a new room to spend the night in.

 

 

So what was good and bad about this day?  Well to be honest besides the whole not getting married part, most of the day pretty good (well as good as it could be).  Even things that seemed horrible at the time turned out not to be so horrible.   Having my family make my "not getting married day" special actually helped me get though it much better than just ignoring the day.  Lauri had the worst of it, but I'm sure she will be rewarded in heaven for what she did. 

 

It seems like there should be some great lesson to be learned from all of this and that I would now share it with you.  The only thing I can say is that we are stronger than we think we are,  and that love and kindness can go a long way.  Someday I will have a different wedding day that will be more joyful than this one but it will be filled with just as much love.

 

 



The Song of The Righteous is a Prayer Unto Me

(April 2010)

 

 As a kid I had a hard time appreciating hymns, they didn't have a cool beat like "Wake me up before you go go" or other equally cool 80's songs and they seemed to go on forever.  It wasn't until I was a little more mature (ok basically my mission) before I not only appreciated hymns, but I loved them.  It's hard for me to imagine not loving hymns, there is something about singing those simple words that can be so profound and can bring such a sweet spirit and understanding. 

 

After "the accident" it was a very difficult time, everyday I faced a barrage of difficult decisions and situations.  Every morning on my way back to the hospital I would try to prep myself for the unknown horrors I was about to face.  I would sing to my self a line from Come Come ye Saints hymn #30 "Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; and soon we'll have this tale to tell.  All is well all is well" It would give me courage and help me "gird up my loins" and face whatever needed to be faced (without the context of scriptures this does sound kind of funny but you get my drift). 

 

We would often have the hymns playing in Mike's room which added to the strong spirit already present there.  His room truly felt like a sacred space. Often nurses or CNAs would linger in or near his room and comment on how much they liked the music.  The hymns were a life line and helped us through some difficult times.  Of all the hymns we listened to and sang during this time the one that stands out the most and helped me more than any other is How Firm a Foundation Hymn #85.

 

My deep love of this particular hymn started in the hospital but grew immensely when we moved to the worst place in the world, the Specialty Hospital (this awful place will get it's own post).  A few days after moving there it was general conference and while we were listening to it with Mike the choir sang How Firm a Foundation. It touched us all especially Mike, he really responded to the song he even raised his arm in the air while they sang.  After that experience, I started examining the words to that song and what they truly meant.  The first three verses are what is normally sang with the last verse thrown in on special occasions and I love what they all say. But as I read the fourth and fifth verse I don't know why we neglect them, they really resonated with me especially the words "deep waters" and "river of sorrows".  This song speaks to me at helps me feel my firm foundation in Christ and my tremendous faith in him.  Also that the Lord is mindful of us and will never forsake us and that he knows the hard things we face and will sanctify them for our good.

 

A side note to this hymn; while still in the Specialty Hospital the young woman from my ward came to visit (I was their camp leader) to sing hymns.  I requested How Firm a Foundation which they sang beautifully but to my surprise when they finished the obligatory third verse they did not stop, they sang all seven verses.  All the other songs that night they had stopped after the first verse or the after the main verses.  It was so sweet to hear them sing those touching verses I stared to cry and there wasn't a dry eye as they finished.  Thank you 5th ward young woman, you really touched me and Mike that night.

 

Below is the Tabernacle Choir singing and also all the words to the hymn for your  listening and reading pleasure.

 



1. How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
What more can he say than to you he hath said,
Who unto the Savior, who unto the Savior,
Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

2. In ev’ry condition—in sickness, in health,
In poverty’s vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea—
As thy days may demand, as thy days may demand,
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

4. When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o’erflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee, and sanctify to thee,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

5. When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, thy dross to consume,
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

6. E’en down to old age, all my people shall prove
My sov’reign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs shall they still, like lambs shall they still,
Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

7. The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!